Things have never been easy. I grew up with a mentally ill, manipulative mother and an alcoholic, abusive, absentee father. I'm an only child. I'm bi-racial AND a lesbian. I think I won the lottery of fucked up lives. I thought I had finally gotten past all that shit almost4 years ago. almost 2 years ago the love of my life decided i wasn't what she wanted and my life fell aaprt. kinda like the straw that broke tha camels back. i lost it. i spent 5 months in a deep depression. I tried to kill myself more times in those 5 months than i can even count. i spent 2 weeks in a psych ward. i found out i really was alone in this world. my friends didnt have time to "be bothered" by me, even tho no matter what they go thru I am the first person they call for help. my parents both live 7-8 hours away. my "friend" that moved in the help me constantely tried to have sex with me and when i kept refusing she made my life hell, even more hellish than it was. I was put on Prozac, Mitzapine, Clonopin, and Adderall. I slept all the time. I became paranoid, didnt eat, couldnt make decisions. and all my psychiatrist did was increase my medicine visit after visit. During this time i actually started to feel better. I did a lot of work on myself. i started liking myself and understanding a lot of things things i went thru in life actually were not my fault. a lot of guilt started to go away. i was happy. THEN…i met this woman who would end up taking all of this away. and i let her. i'm broke, used up, burnt out, on edge, depressed, anxious and stuck. shes exactly like my mother. she manipulates me in every way.i have a huge problem with guilt and ppluse thisto take advantage of me and shes the captain of theteam. i break up with herand kick her out constantely. but cuz her family doesnt want her and her son and she doesnt work and has no money or a place to go i feel guilty and let her back in. then things start all over again. we argue constantely. we cant have a normal conversation without fighting. i'm not a violent person but she pushes and picks until i become violent then she cries about how i treat friends dont like her and have stopped being my friend cuz all i do is complain about a situation i put myself in. i dont understand what is wrong with me. y do i keep myself in these situations? i'm very smart and have a lot going for myself but i constantely let myself be used and left worse off than i started out. i dont want to do this anymore. i want to be strong. independent. successful. HAPPY. but y cant i? i stopped taking my medicine for several reason and idk if i feel better or worse. im so embarrassed by my life and by who i have become. when i was younger, on the outside i looked like i had it all. now, fromt eh outside, i look like a crazy person who cant handle anything. y cant ppl love me and not use me? is it me? it has to be….I'm exhausted. in every way. i need a break. i need a change. i need someone who really is here for me and not what i have. my thoughts r all over the place and i cant put them back together. i think im going to be stuck like this forever.


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