to hide away from your anger is like running into the cold. You run so far away from it you wana crawl back to it knowing in the end something is gana happen.
In my current relationship i am in love with the one i am with. Sad thing is i fear she has givin up on me to leave me. To leave me alone and broken in peaces once more.
I have yet to give up on her or our relationship but she is too quick to give up on me and i feel like the harder i try the more or less i keep getting back handed.
I go to stay for a while and i love her but after a while the foundation of which my visit started on starts to crumble and i am left in a puddle of utter dissmay and dissbelife.
I feel cold and alone and its no fun when you feel like all you have worked for is abandond to sit for who knows what.
As time passes i look at the relationship and see it as it will work, it will work, it will work. In return i am spat on with what hate has been thrown in my face.
I am kind hearted person and i will go as far as admiting a cupple times i was wrong. But, i dont like to argue and aperently i dont like to be confronted.
Yesterday or the day b4 my last blog however you take it really threw eality into my face. I relised alot. Hell my anxiatys are getting the best of me… better yet they are eating me from the inside out. Its almost like a deep hatred is trying to dig from the inside out leaving me a blank shell of what i once was.
This time last year i was fine I was happy and i dident have any issues… i dident ask for this living nightmare to pass b4 my eyes. Due to my anxiatys my girlfriend doesent see or feel what i feel. Ever since my anxiatys i have been basicly let down and shoved away and i sometimes feel de tatched from reality and cant focus on the norms.
shure there are medications for my issues but all of them have other issues that lead to more problems.. as i have said in the begining i dont like anything thats not natural or not made from something that wont mess with me.
My last medication set (generic zoloft) almost made me fall off the edge and i was hurt. I remember steping in a present my dog left me and i came close to falling off the deep end. I was suddenlu enraged with a hate i can not describe. It was beyond anything i felt i could do and to make matters worse i came close to something i love the most tell i stoped myself. I would never go back on thoes meds again.
So far i have been doing fine with helping myself and i have yet to take my lorazapam for when they strike a cord that i cant handle. I am happy to admit i have been able to feed myself through the hell.
Although there are sometimes i think i wont make it and i scare myself and then just go to sleep. Another thing that has bugged me is the whole ordeal with my eyes. I cant stand them if they stay diolated. I have to go into a bright room and take a good look in the mirror and tell myself its ok and that its all in my head.
I sometimes feel like i have gone mad. Things just dont seem normal or i think alot of other things. Ive even had moments of delayed audio of up to 5 seconds with someone talking to me.. needless to say i have had audio problems since i was little and this is durring the time i wake up in the morning but its strane.
My whole phycological world is on its end and i cant tell which end is up anymore. I know this though.. i havent lost hope. I am trying for the good of myself and to prove to my g/f that I can do this. This is a little fact i would love to also bring up.
When i was sent to the hospital ER i was diagnosed having a SAVERE anxiety attack. From that i am learning to get back up on my feet. So far its been a month and i am warming up ever so slowly. When i had my attack i felt shut down and hurt.
I was in a state of why me.. this cant happen.. i still sort of am but i am pushing through with all the weight of my family and my future on my sholders… i hope to god i can make it through this torment. I also wish that this pain i feel for myself goes away as well… for if my fears come true all i have worked so hard for will topple from under my feet.