Okay, so I'm not happy with the 'updated' version of the blog. I LIKED having the ability to use color to reflect my mood! DTribe ~ fix it!

Zach is home yet again today, but this time for a teacher inservice day. 2 three day weekends in a row! And early dismissal on Wednesday again. How do these kids learn anything with how much school is out?

Saturday was really bad. All I did was cry and sleep and sob and sleep some more. I was having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of cutting ~ but I made myself tell Aaron about it so that he'd keep an eye on me. He sat with me for almost an hour and let me cry myself out and say all the things I was thinking and feeling ~ detox for me. It's how I cope with overwhelming emotions. If I talk about it, it takes the illness' power away usually. I regain control and then am better for it.

Aaron made me get out of bed by having his Mom watch Zach for a few hours and taking me to see a comedy. We saw "We're the Millers". Pretty crude, but still really funny. 🙂 It helped me feel better even though I didn't want to go.

Yesterday I told Winn-Dixie that I was giving my notice and that I'd write a formal letter to turn in later on in the week. I'm giving my shirts to a friend because she's pregnant and she's going to need bigger shirts as she grows. I'm fine with that. At least they'll get used by someone who needs them.

I feel both extremely relieved and yet extraordinarily scared by doing this. I have decided to move forward with my life, and yet I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. It's almost too much freedom. I'm really thinking about seeking out an internship that will lead into a job in the floral industry. I've always loved that and wanted to do it for a living; I actually used to. But I need a place nearby and that's willing to train me. I wouldn't ask for a paid internship ~ I'd work for free for a certain amount of time agreed upon by myself and the owner, and then hopefully become employed by them at the end of it. If not, I'd still have a great letter of reccomendation from the person I interned with to find me a position with another company.

I'm still juggling with the idea of becoming a substitute teacher, but honestly I'm scared. This depression lately has really taken a toll on my self-confidence and self-esteem. That and whatever's going on with my stomach and such. I need to see a specialist, but I don't want to go through a colonoscopy again and all that it entails. I don't think we can afford it. And I refuse to take any more medication for any reason!

Things are a little bit better for me. I'm still not well by any means, but I'm slowly crawling out of the hole I've been stuck in the last month or more. It still blows my mind how insidious and stealthy depression is. One minute you feel okay, and then suddenly you've been sucked in without even realizing it, and you're clawing the ground with your fingernails trying to regain purchase, but it drags you into it's lair of darkness and continues to eat at you, little by little, eating your soul alive. This is by far the worst side of the bipolar disorder for me. I spend MUCH more time fighting depression than I do manic behaviors, especially since I've been on Lamictal and Ritalin. I miss the highs though, I have to be honest about that. They were the only seemingly positive aspects of the illness. But they had serious consequences as well, and I always knew that when I came down it would be into hellatious depression, especially if it had been a long manic episode.

Anyhow, on to daily life. Zach and I went to Wal-Mart today to return a pair of shorts and just get the next size up. But after trying on 10 different pairs of shorts, NONE of them fit! We were both worn out and tired and frustrated by the time we left. Instead I got him a nice shirt for $4.00 and a small Lego set. He's forgoing his allowance to pay for part of it. I also got myself an awesome pair of jeans! They look great and make me feel good about myself. 🙂

So now I have to go make lunch for him, feed the birds, thaw out something for dinner, and start laundry. If I'm lucky I'll get in a short nap. Tonight we're supposed to go to the park and exercise. I hope we do.

Hope everyone else is fairing alright. I blogged yesterday but in the middle of it the dang thing erased and I lost my patience and just logged out. Love you all.