I don't feel the same anymore. I feel like with these medicines my personality has changed. I used to care about people and want to make new friends, to be a good friend and a good listener. I've worked with kids for six years and all of a suddenly they get on my nerves and I can't stand them. I feel really irritable and selfish. I've come to pretty much hate the world, except for my little corner of it. I'm really apathetic, like if someone is upset or doesn't feel good, I just hardly care. It's not who I want to be. I still wonder if I should just quit all this treatment and deal with being depressed sometimes. The medicine basically just seems to keep me from getting depressed for a long time. I still am irritable and have little motivation, low energy, not much pleasure in anything, lots of mood swings, and now my sleep has been absolutely terrible for about 5 weeks now. I really don't know what to do. The medicines give me so many side effects I don't know if it's worth it. I was even getting aches in my side, so I stopped taking the medicine for a few days and felt better. I just had to have a kidney ultrasound yesterday to check that out.

I'm worried the doctor will get frustrated or I'll run out of new medicines to try. Lately I hate every one of them. I thought my hair falling out was bad, but with this insomnia I'm too tired every day to function right. I'm getting behind in things, and that's just making me worried and anxious. GR! I guess I just need to vent about this a bit. I kinda wish I could go back to being the nice, loving me and not the irritable, resentful me. I hate work now. So annoying. I used to like it.

I really hope I'll get semi decent sleep tonight. Two pills of ambien and two other sleeping pills last night and finally I slept for about 5 hours straight. (amazing) Only to be awakened and then feel tired all day. Probably shouldn't have taken all those but I probably wouldn't have gotten back to sleep for hours otherwise. I get so frustrated with this I just feel like smacking my stupid body for not sleeping when I need to. Medicine seems to be messing me up more than helping me.


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