So Friday and today I have had little to no anxiety at all. When my anxiety started to tap me on the shoulder I was able to quickly swat it away and continue with my day.
Of course each night going to bed I feel a touch of anxiousness because Im afraid I will wake up in the morning with anxiety.
I kept my guard up very well the past couple of days and now I let my guard somehow and I am feeling the beginnings of anxiety again.
Today its a bump on my tongue that my mind absolutely tells me is cancer and I should be concerned. I do smoke and am trying to quit but for so long smoking has been my coping…..I need to find a replacement.
Constantly worrying about cancer and dying is new for me…in the past it has usually focused on other things. Im terrified of the dentist and I had a lot of dental work that needed to be done because I kept putting it off. So I was obsessing and checking and having anxiety about my teeth all day long. It got to the point that I was checking my teeth up to 50 times a day making sure I didnt crack a tooth and making sure all my teeth were all ok. I conquered my fear and got all my dental work but one cavity filled and the anxiety about that went away.
I think my mind copes with things by obsessing and checking and rechecking. I know I am having anxiety about smoking because I know its harmful to me.
Before I obsessed about my teeth it was about having to use the restroom in public. I dont mind going #1 but #2 in public or bathrooms that are not my own causes extreme panic and anxiety.
I know I need to quit smoking but I also know that once I do my mind will continue to find other things wrong with me.
It feels so depressing and scary to think I will have to constantly battle this anxiety….Im ready to stop being scared and ready to start living.
My anxiety first showed its self when I was 7. I was spending the night at a friends house and my friends dad told us in a rough voice to pick up the bedroom. And next thing I knew I had a stomach ache. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to cry and just go home. I called my mom and my mom picked me up and as soon as I got home my stomach ache went away and I was fine.
This same anxiety about spending the night at other peoples house continued on to my nanas house and I had anxiety staying there also. Still to this day I cant spend the night at anyones house. This has caused problems in my relationships because I get anxiety attacks when I have to spend the night at my inlaws house. My exhusbands family lives in Chicago and I never went with to visit them because I knew I would be spending the night at there house.
So I guess I have been dealing with anxiety in some form since I was 7. It has truly ruled my life…and I dont know how it got this bad…..I dont know how I could have alloweed myself to let it get this bad. I feel very ashamed about it. Why cant I just spend the night, or take a crap in public places and stop having anxiety.
I dont feel like I have lived my life.
I recently had a classmate pass away…Im only 27. This is the 8th classmate to die and Im realizing now that at any point I could die, and this terrifies me.
I have known a lot of people who have had cancer and a few that have died from it……Im so afraid I will give myself cancer by smoking. Even if I quit I will have the anxiety of knowing I may later get cancer.