Okay, sorry I didn't actually write the blog when I first posted it. I got confused on how to use this since it's the first time I've tried to write a blog. Plus, as soon as I figured out how to write the actual blog, I had to go to be criticized more by my family. 

So, I guess I should start with why I'm here. I've been diagnosed with depression for almost a year now but have been dealing with the symptoms for almost 6 years. When I was in 7th grade, my mother was suffering from complications due to a gastric bypass. She went through surgery after surgery after surgery until she became disabled. She was a nurse for 25 years, and to leave this job devastated her. During the time of her 2nd or 3rd surgery after the bypass, my father had a terrible accident. He's a truck driver, and while making a right turn (which have been known to be wide), he hit a parked car, which crushed in the side and killed a 4 year old little girl. With thinking it was only a guard rail, he drove away because he was worried about my mother. Later he was arrested for involuntary manslaughter and taken to prison until he was let out on bail. Now if you look up his name (no, I will not give it out), you can see his picture under world's dumbest criminals. If people knew my dad, they would see the gentle man he is who loves children and people and would never even hurt a fly. I remember having to lay in bed next to my dad, so I could make sure he didn't wake up in the middle of the night and go overdose on his medications. After all of this happening with my mom, she was diagnosed with fibro myalgia. If you don't know what this disease is, basically all you really need to know is that it leaves the person in constant pain. My mom goes to a pain management specialist who prescribed her highly addictive drugs. She was addicted for about a year, and I remember having to help her up the steps when she would fall down them from being so high. After she got clean from the drugs, she turned to alcohol. Luckily, she's still an active member in alcoholics anonymous, even though she started overusing drugs a little because of her depression, she is trying to get straight in her life again.

Recently, my little battle with depression is because of me dealing with my best friend's death. I know this seems like something most people go through and like something i should be over more quickly, but it's not necessarily that he's gone as much as it is the way he died. He was murdered by a friend of his. On January 20th, he was taken from the Walmart parking lot. 5 days later, on the 25th, he was found in the woods having been shot multiple times. I've been told so many times that because it was 2 months ago, I should be over it by now. All I can tell them is that this young man was my best friend, and the only person I could tell anything to. He was the most amazing person anyone could ever meet, and he died at the age of 19 because of jealousy and a girl. The one person I truly cared about in my life is gone because of another person. I don't think anyone can truly understand exactly what I'm going through, and it really upsets me when I try to trust someone with how I'm feeling because they say things like, "That's stupid. You're too young to be depressed," or, "That happened 2 months ago! How can you still be angry about it?" Of course I'm angry about it. I'm angry at the man who did it, I'm angry at God, but mostly I'm angry at myself, and to get someone to understand this is nearly impossible. Because I can't get anyone to realize what I'm going through, I ended up in the hospital because of being very suicidal. It's all I can do right now to keep it together for my family.

While in the hospital, I was also diagnosed with OCD, which has kicked into overdrive since my friend's funeral especially. All I want to do is clean and clean and be perfect and count and etc, etc. I can't stop my mind from obsessing about things I obviously wouldn't have been able to control. All I can think about is what would have happened if I would have been there. I know the answer is that everything would have played out like it had, or I would have been dead with him, but sometimes I wish that could have been that way, or that I could have taken his place. How God could allow such an incredible young man to be taken from this earth, I'll never know. And the fact that I don't have all of the answers right now is tearing me apart. I'll never know exactly why it happened. I'll never know what his last moments of life were like. I'll never know what could have prevented everything. All I know is what he looked like in the casket. All I get is what I can read in the papers and see for myself. Holding myself together is almost impossible right now.

I've been getting multiple piercings lately because it's kind of like an escape for me. Getting a piercing is exciting. It's new and something I enjoy. I recently had my nose, tongue, hips, bellybutton, and 4 lip piercings in addition to my two lobe piercings in my ear and my cartilage making a total of 14 piercings. My mom made me take out my lip piercings which has gotten me EXTREMELY down. I feel so ugly without my jewelry especially the lip jewelry. I would have taken every other piercing I have out just to keep those. I'm planning on putting one spider bite (this is two on the side of the lip) back in and then taking my nose ring out and getting my septum pierced. Yes, it will look like a bull, but I'm going to love it. These piercings are the only thing that's making me feel something other than anger at the moment, and it's terrible that this is it, but it's making me happy. We'll just have to see how everything goes with this.

That's basically an overview of everything. I'm sure I'll end up going back to these blogs and writing  again. Hope all is well, and if you've made it to this point, thank you for taking your time to just hear me out. It means more than you know.