Ok people, I want to start off by making it clear, I have nooo issue's what so ever with Gay people, I have gay family members, and friends, so this is no Issue. Let me start of by saying, I have been in two relationships with women and this was in the 9th grade I was 12-13 years old. My first relationship was extremely hard on me, like the break up and everything because we dated for a year, as well the relationship was quite toxic, jealousy, sadness, etc. It was around that time that I fell into my depression. , I have never thought of myself as gay or bi although Im more open to bi, because I dont want to lose the ability of having a intimate relationship with a woman especially now! Because I have recently reconnected with an old friend and we have become extremely close, she is living about three hours away because she is with some of her family because she recently had a child. ANYWAY, I noticed my feelings for her growing, I have told her everything about my struggles, except of course my violent thoughts, and my HOCD symptoms. It was Sunday night, that the HOCD returned…if it is that 🙁 . At the time I was thinking hmm well what happens if when she comes down and we get into an intimate moment ( I am still a virgin) what if I cant get it up, etc. and then I remembered when I had my obsessive thoughts about being homosexual, now this is just a warning but this might be a little graphic, I dealt with the HOCD for three years continuously, I was almost sure I was gay, but I have always been straight, but the thoughts/ impulses were (me performing Oral Sex on a male, Kissing etc.) and I would get a tingling sensation in my tounge, these thoughts didnt turn me on they increased my anxiety, and it was a vicious cycle. But now these thoughts are coming back, and my violent killer thoughts are being pushed out, to be honest I would rather have the killer thoughts, because I really want an intimate relationship with this girl….. Its killing me inside, because for the last few weeks I have been flirting with her, and talking to her and I mean Im sure she must realize how I feel she isnt an oblivious person. Thoughts of being with her make me happy, turned on, but also I have anxiety about performance. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER!!! I DONT WANT TO BE GAY!