My fear of contamination isnt only a fear of become contaminated from dirt or fecies and become this way dirty for myself. Thats a small part of my problems and it seems to me, that this isnt the major problem. More and more Im disgusted by myself and feel dirty because of all the stuff a body creating. Like sweat, suet, fecies, snot etc. So I am a source of dirt and a danger for the things around me and with which I have to interact (vicious circle). I always think, that I cant get what I want, nobody grant me anything or even Im not allowed to have or experience anything good. Like I dont deserve anything good, because I have no real skills for anything. Because of this, the good things in my life are extremely importent and invaluable. I feel the necessity to protect these things, so they dont be damaged or lost for me. Now I am dirty by myself or was in contact to something dirty or bad and now I am not able to use or even slightly touch my importent things (like instrument, sport-tool, books) because I fear to damage them by contaminating with fecies from my body or from somewhere while I am a „transporter“ of fecies and dirt…

I think more and more about this stuff and suppose, that my ocd founded in me having a problem with myself. Im full of selfdoubts and my life isnt a life, which would be positive valued by most people. Ive got a masters degree and a very good final grade, but in a subject, which isnt valued as necessary by most people. Also nobody think, that Im able to do anything, because the typical meaning is, that I havent learned „any useful“ in my study and got no competences in anything. So people not only think, that I am useless, but also judge me for my stupidity to study such a stupid subject which is useless. But I love my subject and I learned much in my opinion. But more I suffer from all these judges, especially, I am unemployed and become more and more seperated and become also poor. Its right, that my subject isnt usefull for the economy-dominated lifestyle (in an ethical way). And Im although not interested in such a lifestyle. But the judges hurting me anyways and I feel anyways more and more useless, stupid, incompetend. Like a parasite or a tumor or something… Im adopting in this way the common view of many people in my country at my person although I dont share it in a rational way. But emotions are stronger than the mind and punishing me harder and harder…

Im stuck in this dichotomy and fear to get broken. I asking myself, if my ocd are founded here. Because I refuse so much accounts to me on the one hand and refuse myself for being like I am on the other hand too. Shorter: I dont like the world nor myself at this moment very much. So I valueating much „normal things“ in the world and features of myself and my body as dirty or eviel or bad. And because of this I fear it and try to protect the relicts of goodness from getting destroyed or devalueated by the bad things in the world which I am a part of…

It seems, that the solution of my pain to life is easy: I have to accept the world and have to accept myself with my mind and my body because it is like it is. Learning to like myself more and allowing me to have my opinions, likes and thoughts about a good life. Allowing my to try living that way, liking that way and become happy on the journey to a fullfilled life. But thats seem impossible to me. It seems impossible, that I can get happy, that I can get appreciate by myself or anybody else and impossible that Im being able to enjoy something completely unburdened without thinking, that I am not allowed to be happy or deserved to be happy.

3 Comments
  1. Ablee 6 years ago

    Maybe you can start by doing positive affirmations.  Each day write down three positive things.  also you can accept compliments instead of saying No I am not, say thank you.  My friend taught me that," he was saying nice things all the time and i would say no i am not, and he said accept the compliment because it insults him if i don't, so i did, and now i am use to saying thank you and believing most of it.   Sadly self esteem can be shattered easily for those who don't have it.  Another thing is i really believe the ERP will help you i hope you can do it with a therapist who does this at some point.  These are ocd problems that can be worked on just like when you go to the gym.  Think of ocd as a workout and each day you will be doing your erp and "working out."  Soon you will see results and this will help other parts of your life.  As for being judged believe me i get it, but in the long run these people don't matter they are living their lives without you judging them why are they allowed and you are not.  As my son's friend says in a funny voice "Don't worry about it."  This is our joke now we tell each other this and it lightens the mood, but make sure you use a funny voice.  Do relaxation breathing exercises, exercise in moderation, eat right, don't drink too much caffeine and maybe try to find someone soon for your therapy.  Anyways, maybe you can teach us (my kids and I) a new word or phrase in German that would be interesting.  I have books to learn Spanish or French but we havent started yet.  TC AB

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  2. Paul_Atreides 6 years ago

    Hey Abbey,

    \n

    thanks for your comment. Much well-known in there. I react often negating of good things my girl says to me. Sometimes I even say or think, that she just say things to make me feel well and thing, she lies… and she also says, that she feel hurted by that. And such situations makes me feel even worse. I dont like myself very much and feel like I have destroyed our life and punish she all the time, because I am such a big burden… often I asking me, why she havent me already left. I tryed by the way what you suggessted, to write down good things. I noticed a time all good things, which happened or nice time I got. But its hard for me to do this regulary, because it felt like a account, which I had to success or being a loser because I dont get it… My girl also said some days ago, that we shoul make somewhere on the walls short messages, where show things I can or have done good. I think this is a good idea, but I feel so dead these days, that I feeling unable to do nearly everything… But I will try to give my best. I have managed to get a date for a psychiatrist and will try medication, because my anxieties get worse and come more often last time. I also gave me inspired from a post of you a ERP task last week and want to try to increase it, because it worked out well, even it wasnt a really big thing. Your workout analogy is nice, because really its hard but in a weird way nice at the same time, because you know, you do great thing and you got the power to confrontate you out of your own power. I will write an own blog for this in the next days. I thank you very much for your posts and suggestions.

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  3. Ablee 6 years ago

    I agree with your fiance to write postive things and post them around the house,  And just thanking her when she says these things to you and catch yourself if you start saying something different, at first i had to .  Now I have no problem saying thank you and believing it.  The more you practice the better you will become and soon it will be natural.  As for the ERP set aside one hour morning, evening i think it has to be done twice a day or as close to that as possible and work on one thing only.  No other distractions or anxiety producing things.  Do this for a week.  Make sure it is a ocd thing that doesnt cause high anxiety that you are working on.  Rate it from 1 -10, 1 being the least anxiety and 10 being the ultimate anxiety.  Start with the lowest thing on your list and just dedicate time to working on that one.  Each accomplishment is an accomplishment no matter how small you think it is just like each compliment is real no matter why you think its not possible/true.  When you accomplish this give yourself a cheer because you did it.  If not try another week but i think my therapist said if it takes more then two weeks it was probably too high on the list.  I hope you were able to read the book to get an idea about ERP.  I just want you to know my ocd is a huge challenge to me too and there are things i still need to work on but it is very hard at times and i avoid it but i know to get better i can't do that. 

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