Greetings fellow AT

I know I missed my last FM review, there wasn't a lot going on at that time. I just didn't feel like sharing anything. Even though I know sharing with all of you is sharing with myself as well.

So, what has happened recently…

Job:

I'm keeping a low profile and just doing what I am told. I can't say I am happy to be working in a place where I have to constantly watch my ass…but I am working.

Companions:

I had to finally make the call to stop talking to one of my truest friends. Her negative attitude was just wearing me out to the point that I could not take it anymore. It sucks that I had to do that, but the up side is that she'll have to take a look at her life now. I've known for some time that I was an enabler for her. Perhaps with me gone, she'll find what I could never seem to get her to understand about life.

As for the rest of my friends, I hear from those who have saved my life before rarely if ever. I send them messages from time to time and usually get responses. In the past I know I made them make so much effort, but I tried to do my part the last few months as well. I don't know how I am supposed to consider people friends when they rarely contact me. I even have done simple things like setting my FB status to something "questionable" to see who shows concern. I don't do it often, maybe once every few months. I have only two who show true concern at that. One…well, she's the one from the previous paragraph…so I guess I'm down to one.

I am trying online dating to see where that goes. It's difficult though since so many are out in the same pool making guys look bad. It's hard for a good guy to get noticed when there are so many players in the same damn pool. Sometimes I wonder why I am a nice guy, being an asshole would make my life so much more fun.

Family:

Grandpa died, which sucks, but he was in pain for a while so I think even he decided it was time to go. Due to family BS, I didn't attend the final event…but I had my days with him before he got really sick, so I think I'm cool with all that.

Now that he is gone, so much shit has started in the family it's like listening to a war unfold on the radio. Sucks that the family has to be so divided, but I know in my heart that the kids or grandkids will be the ones who really start to fix the family. Once the petty "adults" are out of the way.

Oh, and I just learned that my father had a stroke and is in a care facility. Reason I was only notified NOW, we are very distant. In fact, I haven't spoken to or heard from him in many many years. I'm not sure I want to contact him at this point…seems to me he could have made an effort if he really wanted to.

Me:

As you might have noticed, I focused mainly on the negative here. There are some good memories I have but I will keep them and you can have these if you like. I've heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, some days I am strong and some nights I wonder what keeps me going. I suspect that I just want to see this life done right. Learn what I am here to learn, love those I can, and live. Maybe if I live and learn…I won't have to repeat the same things.

Tonight, all I wanted to do is go to sleep. However, I had to come to the tribe and tell you these things. I can feel them building up inside me and once they build enough power they could give strength to that monster I am on the lookout for. I don't wish to battle him head on so I spill these things from my mind to take away his power source.

Thank you for listening

May your 2011 be as happy as you wish it to be.