This is bad. I'm not even sure if its appropriate for me to get into this here. I'm not sure if this is a community that tries to be positive and doesn't want people like me coming on and dragging others down. I suppose I don't care that much though because i'm looking for an outlet.

I have never experienced anxiety in my life until the last week or so. I knew what it was right away, went to the doctor, and he gave me some sleeping pills and some lorazepam and told me to come back in a week.

I'm panicking right now. I took 2 lorazepam and I don't want to take anymore becasue they say 2/day max. They have no effect. I may as well suck on a candy. It might actually calm me down more to do that. I would have taken a sleeping pill but when the thought came to me it was already past 1am and I felt it was too late to take it without risking feeling drowsy at work tomorrow.

I called a friend who started to calm me down but he had to leave. He left, I felt the symptoms increase. I know its emotional. I can rationalize through all this. What I mean is, I can look at what I'm experiencing from the outside and make assessments like: no, I'm not actually sick – it's a game my mind is playing with me, and, yes, it's reasonable that I am experiencing this considering all the pressure and stress i'm under. I also know that just thinking about potential stressors makes the lump in my throat double in size instantly.

I have two more weeks left of thsi and then I expect that everything will return to normal. Maybe not this time. i don't know. I have a history of mental illness in my family, but not anxiety; there are much more severe things. My doctor mentioned that he thinks I have depression as well. I don't know. What a confusing time.

And holy fuck.! Never have I felt so horribly sick and the only thing I can do to fix it is not to think about it. Even thinking about not thinking it stresses me out. Thinking about people thinking that i'm crazy stresses me out even more. I think I need to call my mother. Not too much judgement there. But still. I just don't want to lean on anyone but then that makes it even worse. Everything just builds and builds and creates a vicious circle I cannot undo.

Typical of acute anxiety, my therapist says. But holy fuck. Not what I expected. Not that I ever saw myself in this position. But not how I would have seen things going for me. That disappointment also adds to the anxiety. Great. Just great.