For those of you who could possibly care, I've recently turned 40. I can't tell whether I'm old or young for my age, but I do know that I am out of shape due to so many years of having no outlet for exercise and body conditioning. I have the dvds to play on my computer, but my life is constantly in crisis and I find myself sleeping because the heart-ache is so bad.

I not only don't know where I'll be living not long from now ( a very complicated landlord/tenant case), but I have no idea if I can finally get a decent paying job after being on disability for twelve years and caring for my great uncle for ten of those.

I have no children and parents instinctively steer clear from me as if I am Albert Camu's "the stranger". It's a total nightmare living below the poverty line in New York City and being surrounded by a family oriented neighborhood that cares not for souls like mine.

Almost all my friends on facebook are parents with tons of baby pictures and a load of cash to raise them with like you can't believe as I went to a private high school and therein lies the bulk of my connections…my uncle paid for that education, but my parents claim otherwise.

I've been a victim of domestic violence and verbal abuse by my parents from my teen years and through my twenties until my mind broke down and I was hospitalized at 28 years of age. My mother is still trying different tactics to try to pull me under despite that she managed to blow through a family inheritance worth a couple of million dollars – most likely due to a very secretive drug addiction or at least a carelessness with money that no one can fathom.

And all this leaves me with – "Well, who the hell am I at this age?" "Nobody treats me with any true respect – particularly at the mental health clinics" "Why do I exist?" "What should I do with my life now that so many years have been wasted?" "How do I find the right man – is it possible to pray any more than I already have?"

My current bf is truly terrible for me, but I stay in touch with him – mostly by phone – because there are no people for me to call and talk to and I'm afraid I'll lose it if I have absolutely no human contact whatsoever.

I guess I'm one of those people others laugh at for being so doomed in life. No wonder I have so much trouble getting out of bed during the day these days. It doesn't seem to matter that I am pursuing an online MBA after finishing my BA so late in life (ten years ago). I am somehow the butt of the joke here. How I wish I could just feel whole again before my life got so difficult. I'm so terrified that it will get worse with SSI Housing and a possible period of homelessness before I get there.

My finances are a mess too because my Mother did so much lying about the family monetary situation (always leaving me out of any discussion even to this day, but remarkably – not my always embittered for no reason little sister) – and this made me choose poorly with credit cards and payment plans that my parents forfeited helping with as they just blew through their home equity and business loans like it was disposable income (about over a million dollars to be exact).

What freakin' life have I been living? Will I fucking survive? I just can't cope anymore. I fear the end is near. I can't even pray to God – I have to pray to God's God because no story in the Bible describes my life.

Then there are the nightmares that always take place twenty years ago – age wise. When I wake up, I have to roll and struggle to get out of bed like an old woman! I totally can't handle any more! I might not make it to the end of the week for Passover, which I can't celebrate as I have no family anymore nor any friends who will invite me – Sombody tell me what the hell I'm doing on Earth at this point!??

2 Comments
  1. tcsoprano 11 years ago

    Wow that is a lot to handle, understandable that you are feeling anxious. I think its wonderful that you are furthering your education- its never too late, and you are strong for doing so under the circumstances. I believe in you and I hope your situation improves, you have my support and hugs. -T

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  2. ravenblack1369 11 years ago

    *HUGS* I'm not the best at knowing what to say but I still wanted to you to know there are people that care and offer some support. I hope things work out for you with the housing and good luck with your education.

    -Cheers

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