Tonight after work my co-workers (/my friends at work), my girlfriend, and best friend and I went out to dinner at a Thai restaurant as a going away party. I laughed so much, smiled so much, and let go of things that would normally bother me. I let things happen (that I normally wouldn't) without a word or a negative thought:
THREE people wanted to taste my Thai Iced tea and I let them. I also let people try food off of my plate. Now, to some this may not seem like a big deal and that's perfectly fine, we all have different struggles. A while ago, even a week ago, really, I would have been so uncomfortable with other people touching, let alone sharing, any food of mine. Because my OCD manifests with germophobia, it is difficult for me (or should I say WAS difficult?)to share beverages, food, or even let people sit on my couch or touch a surface in my home. Last year, if someone had sipped from my drink I wouldn’t continue to drink it and I would either give it to them or just throw it away because of my fear of contamination and germs.
But tonight I felt so free! I didn't worry about what any of my friends would think about me. I wore my new clothes without worrying that they would get dirty or that people would think I wasn't "cool" enough to wear them. I made jokes and I felt funny and confident and pretty! How new is this feeling! I feel like I lived today. I feel like I have real friends and I had real fun and I really laughed.
This summer I'd felt bored/boring, uninteresting, bland, serious, anxious, stuck-up, even, and then I realized I just have to let go. I don't want to hold myself back anymore from doing the things I want to do. I want to have a fun, beautiful life full of experiences and wonder, great friends, great coffee, exploration and adventure, new things, people, places, everything… And I think that now I'll be able to BE that person I feel inside my heart. The person that isn't weighed down by OCD thoughts, fears, anxiety, depression, etc. But a person instead who is uplifted and light and who can shine throughout life. I want to be a bright light that brings joy into the world and feels joy inside just to exist. I want to set myself free.
It starts with nights like this, an open mind, small steps,… Whenever I want to feel better I put on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and I paint. He says, you can be anyone you want to and you can start whenever you feel like it. We've got to start living our lives!
Thank you for listening and for all your support. I hope this positivity can make someone smile today! You have beauty in you and you can let go. Everything is okay.