where do i start?!

doctor surgery messed up my appointment twice! and when i did go i was an emotional wreck! practicly told her i was suicidal! She took a couple of blood tests but i was so weak i didn't hold the wool over it afterwards and watched it bleed, she told me to hold it firmly but i said i didn't want to, was quite happy to watch myself get weaker..but she had a tight grip on my vein so i was stuck pretty much. She managed to stick a couple of plasters on me, but i ripped them off when she came back from the lab. She phoned my counseller, she wasn't in so i was told to wait for a phone call. I was in complete self destruct mode! the last thing i wanted to do was go into town and wait for a bloody phonecall!

anyway the reason why i felt so useless and weak was because of the morning i've had! one of my best friends is moving house, TOMORROW! and the new people are moving in to her house TOMORROW! i can't believe its actually happening! i feel distraught!! i managed to distract her for a little while, i drove her to her cousins house so she could say goodbye..it managed to hold things together quite well until she left, and it dawned on me that could be the last time i see her until at least christmas :'( their moving into a 5 bedroom house, which i know will be great, its just so hard to actually DO IT! ive known katie for 18 years…this is alot harder than i anticipated! so i cancelled my big job 2moro and i'm going to say a propper goodbye to her and her mum in the morning. i know i'm gonna cry, but i'm allowed to (as i've been told today) it's a difficult time in my life..i wish her all the very very best, but i also dont want her to go! but that sounds so selfish! she deseveres a fresh start! after all the trouble she had with uni last year. I hate seeing her so upset/ lifeless. i haven't stopped crying all day! omg..So tough!! i can't wait to visit them, but i feel like i should give them space to 'settle' i dont wanna be an 'old memory' friend. :'(

what a mess….

feel like i've got nothing to live for 🙁 just nothing.