oh my gosh… today i have laughed harder and more genuinely than i have in a long long time. and for what logically would be the strangest reason. today i heard the reasoning behind something that has been weighing down on me like an albatross. and it is most definately the most selfish, emotionless, self-consumed thing i have ever heard but it has really made me bounce back from the depths. it is so far beyond my comprehension that i pity someone whose mind works like that. it has made me realise how much better it is to feel and made me feel truly alive. even if that sometimes really hurts. i would so much rather be a person with a soul and depth and the capacity to feel than to be so thoroughly self-consumed that i was constantly chasing material things and possessions and following a textbook version of life, valueing that over the really important things in life. the things that enrich the soul and make us human. im feeling quite thoughtful and philosophical and my faith is being restored in myself. greed is a terrible terrible thing and i am so thankful it doesnt rule MY life. i have had the narrowest escape of my life and until today i couldnt understand why it had happened and now i truly thank god it has. i have been set free from living an emotionless, materialistic and unfulfilling life and i am so grateful to the powers that be. what i saw as a desperately sad failure, a bittersweet "if only" and just more proof of how things go so wrong has been flipped completely. for the first time in a long time i feel exhilarated and alive. i still have some big hurdles to negotiate but i feel like i have the oomph coming back with double the power to jump those hurdles and really get on with living. and living properly – living with FEELING whatever those feelings may be.