I'm so ashamed to talk about this, even here where I know that people will understand. I've been having intrusive thoughts of sexuality and violence–not uncommon for me, as I had them in high school too, but lately they have been getting worse and worse. I talked briefly to my therapist about them, but I don't think she really understands how much this is ruining my life right now.

 

I feel compelled to "confess", like if by purging all this bile here I can temporarily halt its power. It always, always comes back, though.

 

I am the oldest of three siblings. My brother is 19 and my sister is 5. Guess which one I have been having horrifying thoughts about? –Both, actually, but honestly, I almost welcome the thoughts about my brother, compared to the utter awfulness of the thoughts about my baby sister. Normally I only have these thoughts when I'm around them, but in the last few weeks they have simply been plaguing me nonstop, even when I'm alone. The only way to escape them is by constantly overstimulating my brain with Internet junk.

 

I simply can't stand being around my poor sister anymore, because it's gotten so bad and so disgusting. I would rather cut off my hands than hurt her, yet the thoughts are so vivid. I really hate them. I've been hiding from her for two weeks now, at my mother's house, just totally unable to interact with her at all, which is breaking my heart because I love and miss her so much, and I know she doesn't even understand that I am sick. She simply thinks I have abandoned her.

 

It's ruining my sleep. I've become nocturnal and I go sometimes 36-48 hours without sleep, just running myself into utter exhaustion. Today in the shower I had a nearly full-fledged panic attack, where I had to sit down in the tub and simply attack the scabs on my legs until they bled, just to get some minor relief. It didn't help that until today I had been out of all my drugs.

 

I am scared, so scared, that I am never going to be able to be there for my sister, that I will be like this forever, that my brain will eventually crack under the pressure and I'll actually become a sick, incestuous pedophile who enjoys these shitty thoughts. I hate this, so, so, so much 🙁

5 Comments
  1. her_ocd 11 years ago

    i really understand how you feel. i know these thoughts all too well. they are the cause of me being on disability. but what i do know is that you are not a pervert or will become one. these thoughts cause you disturbance, and that says of you that you don't enjoy them. people that are perverts enjoy these thoughts. please rest assured that you are not a pervert and will not become one, althought the thoughts are so strong they make you believe them. i hope that you will be able to go on your medication soon because it will definetly help you and to continue to see your therapist. i am here if you want to leave me a message. take care.

    |
    0 kudos
  2. ROBERT187 11 years ago

    hi i feel for you very much and im sorry u are feeling this was,that said,are u diagnosed with ocd? my point is obsessing is a very common factor.sometimes thoughts get the "snow ball" affect.u need to "reality check" meaning share your thought with someone u trust and get their insight,,sometimes intrusive thought are 'NORMAL" LIKE WHEN I WAS 5 YRS OLD I THOUGHT I "LIKED" MY SISTER AND I AVOIDED HER WENT NUTS COULDENT DEAL WITH IT,UNTIL I WENT TO DR AND SHE DESCRIBED THE "NORMALITY" OF IT.ARE U SEEING A PSYCH? AND IF NOT I STRONGLY SUGGEST U SHOULD,IT WILL TAKE ALL THE WEIGHT OF YOUR SHOULDERS

    |
    0 kudos
  3. DancingAmy 11 years ago
    OCD is a very complex and misunderstood illness… It seems that this illness not only distresses us to such a high and painful extent, but OCD becomes our worst enemy (because it contradicts who we are truly as a person)
     
    I used to have POCD but now because I have another obsession (which is Religious OCD) my POCD has subsided. I had such horrible thoughts about my cousins, and so when I became anxious I would start testing myself (ruminate) to see if I enjoyed it or not; and what was so painful to me was I could never truly know, my OCD would make me test and test and doubt and doubt, but what made me move forward was that I have accepted that I will never truly know if I could be a pedophila or not, and that acceptance has made me move forward and away from POCD.
     
    Anyone could be a killer/pedophila/molester etc, but it is about choice that defines us and that is fact. OCD is very hard because I could give you some advice such as 'don't research into pedophilia' but then your OCD will probably make you do it, because apparently (which is a lie) it will ease the anxiety and help you 'know for certain' which again is a lie told by OCDOCD IS VERY MANIPULATIVE, CUNNING and uses DOUBT to lock us in it's grasp…
    Knowledge is power… have you researched into OCD and peoples sufferings with POCD? It will help you tremendously, because what you are going through thousands and thousands have been in exactly the same situation as you are currently in (including me)
     
    If you would like to correspond over email, email me and I will email you about my past and dealings with POCD.
    BTW – Don't research into pedophila but research into OCD OK?
    Amy
    |
    0 kudos
  4. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    I do not know what will work for you, but for me, I keep a journal.  I write down every obsessive thought  I have.  I keep writing about it until I feel the pressure (coming from the thought) subscide. I resort to writing the smallest details that occur to me so that I can write continuously about the thought until it loses its force.

    |
    0 kudos
  5. Hildico 11 years ago

     Thanks guys. It means a lot to me that you all commented.

    Yes, I am diagnosed with OCD, and I am currently taking medication and seeing a therapist weekly. It just doesn't work "all the way" like it used to.

    I'm not going to stop hanging out with my sister, I was just really upset when I wrote this last night.

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2021 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account