I'm so ashamed to talk about this, even here where I know that people will understand. I've been having intrusive thoughts of sexuality and violence–not uncommon for me, as I had them in high school too, but lately they have been getting worse and worse. I talked briefly to my therapist about them, but I don't think she really understands how much this is ruining my life right now.
I feel compelled to "confess", like if by purging all this bile here I can temporarily halt its power. It always, always comes back, though.
I am the oldest of three siblings. My brother is 19 and my sister is 5. Guess which one I have been having horrifying thoughts about? –Both, actually, but honestly, I almost welcome the thoughts about my brother, compared to the utter awfulness of the thoughts about my baby sister. Normally I only have these thoughts when I'm around them, but in the last few weeks they have simply been plaguing me nonstop, even when I'm alone. The only way to escape them is by constantly overstimulating my brain with Internet junk.
I simply can't stand being around my poor sister anymore, because it's gotten so bad and so disgusting. I would rather cut off my hands than hurt her, yet the thoughts are so vivid. I really hate them. I've been hiding from her for two weeks now, at my mother's house, just totally unable to interact with her at all, which is breaking my heart because I love and miss her so much, and I know she doesn't even understand that I am sick. She simply thinks I have abandoned her.
It's ruining my sleep. I've become nocturnal and I go sometimes 36-48 hours without sleep, just running myself into utter exhaustion. Today in the shower I had a nearly full-fledged panic attack, where I had to sit down in the tub and simply attack the scabs on my legs until they bled, just to get some minor relief. It didn't help that until today I had been out of all my drugs.
I am scared, so scared, that I am never going to be able to be there for my sister, that I will be like this forever, that my brain will eventually crack under the pressure and I'll actually become a sick, incestuous pedophile who enjoys these shitty thoughts. I hate this, so, so, so much 🙁