Simple question. At what point do you decide you should go the hospital?
Here I sit, in complete darkness in my bedroom; had my daughter make dinner for the kids because I cannot. My wife took our youngest out of the house because I'm somewhat manic (no not physical, no worries there). Called my Dr and he feels as though Luvox is "revving me up" and making me borderline manic; or so he infered. Regardless, he was asking me questions like "Do you feel safe?"…. I wish I weren't such a logical thinker;then I would not overanalyze why he asked me that. Yes, I feel safe. Would I tell him the truth even if I didn't? I lied to the kids for years about Santa Claus, if I can lie to them, I can surely lie to the Dr about my deepest darkest thoughts.
Would I kill myself…… No.. I don't think so… Do I wish I were dead…… Different question altogether. Should I get myself to the hospital as a result? I'm asking you guys. Currently, I do not trust my thoughts. Apparently, Luvox is making me batty. I get this feeling that I'm correct about something and then I emphatically defend my position, to the point of a shitstorm of my ranting… I go on run-on sentences that last for weeks, then when my wife interrupts me, I yell at her for not letting me finish. My thought process is fragmented, but it always is. Oddly enough, now….. while I sit in complete darkness, with the kids in the dining room alone, and my wife out of the house trying to decide whether she wants to continue being married to me or not….. Now, I sit here, with no thoughts going through my head. Now, everything is calm. Is that the Ativan or is that my accepting that I need more help…. I can't be sure….. I'm terribly sad, yet calm. Theres 3 percent of me that is laughing at the irony of that. Maybe I should turn the lights off and curl up on the floor more frequently; apparently it provides a level of clarity when mixed with lonliness and anger.
So, the million dollar question I pose to you is…… When do you go to the hospital? I no longer trust my own emotions and thoughts and need some advice from folks that have gone through it.
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.