I miss the way things were. I hate living at home with my father and my brother, who don't do anything, and expect me to do all the cooking and cleaning. Eric is living here with me and that makes things better, I don't know what I would do if I was living here alone with my dad and brother. That might be one of the reasons why I'm always obsessing about him leaving me. I just don't believe that he loves me anymore…I don't know what he's doing staying here, because I don't thinik that he loves me. He just doesn't seem to act like it much anymore. We don't do anything, he's always working on his independant projects that he does at home, so we never go anywhere and when we do, its rare. I feel like maybe he's just doing all this bs work when he's at home because he wants an escape from me, and excuse to not talk to me or have to interact with me. Today was a realllllly low day for me…really depressed, really tired, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel anywhere. My engagement ring is fading, its supposed to be a real aquamarine stone and the color is pretty much gone now and it looks like a regular ring…that it adding tremendously to my OCD and misery…I feel like its a sign, an omen, or a symbol of Eric's love for me and the strength of our relationship…dull, done, dead, no turning back to happiness with eachother. He says everything is fine and that I shouldn't waste all my time obsessing over bs, but it just feels so real to me, especailly when he works so f'ing much when he is home with me. I'm definatly having trouble understanding what in my mind is false, and what is reality…the lone is completley blurred at this point. Its like swimming in a pool of murky water where you can't read the number of ft deep the water is at the bottom of the pool, so you just swim into the deep end without realizing it and you just drown…because you can't see. I don't know, I hope things get better.


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