I don’t know anymore.. I don’t know anything.

I had a very bad night last night. I drunk, I cried, I cut.

I was talking to people in chat, I was crying so hard. I had to leave. When I stopped talking, I continued drinking, into the small hours of the morning. I cut myself. Mostly superficial cuts.

At around 7am, when mum and my sister had left, I started drinking again, then went on to cut my wrist, the same one I cut last time. The cut is quite deep. As it happends, mum came home, and seen me in my drunked, bloodied state, and took me to the hospital. They stitched me up (10 stitches) and suggested that I stay in the psych ward again. I refused. I don’t want to be there. I ended up being in the hospital for white along time. My cut wasn’t an "emergency" therefore I was well down on the list to be seen. They asked alot of questions, I gave few answers. I didn’t want to talk to them at all. I ended up getting home around 8pm.

I get home to find a letter in the mail, from my probation officer. He is sending me to a 9 week "Sober Driver" program. What a way to top my day off. This course is going to interfere with my classes. They want me to go to this session, during the time I have one of my classes. I guess i’ll have to go, it’s a court order. This means that i’m not going to get the qualification that i’m trying to get. Doesn’t matter. I’m dammed if i do, dammed if i don’t. To be honest I don’t know if i really care.

I’m just floating along..nothing matters.. I just float along, being blown in any direction someone blows me. I don’t care.