I'm sitting on the back porch listening to the unusual call of the sandhill cranes flying overhead ~ such beautiful birds. So magnificent and graceful, but can be aggressive and seriously hurt you if you get too close for their liking. Other than that all is quiet, and now they're gone as well having flown past me like fast clouds with voices. If clouds could talk I wonder what they'd say?

I need to go get my meds from the store but I'm dragging on it. I also want to go Christmas shopping for CD's for my husband, but I just don't have the get up and go to do it. I'm too lazy today.

It's a gorgeous day, so I wish I had more energy. I'd go do the weed whacking around the pond and on the island, or repot some 4" plants that need to go into bigger pots now because they're becoming root-bound. Or maybe I'll just sit here and soak up the Vitamin D in the sunshine and get my boost that way. 🙂 Now the squirrels are complaining ~ they must see Chance up here eating breakfast and are warning each other about him, lol. As a cat, he loves to chase them… he's never caught one thank God. He WAS an awesome ratter, but since we had his teeth pulled because of beingpainful and diseased he doesn't have the ability anymore. Just as well, I hate killing things. I even went down and rescued a banana spider (EWWWWW!!!!) from one of the plants in the yard that's going to get trimmed and he would have been killed. I caught him on the edge of a bucket and released him in the trees where he can stay out of harm's way. My family HATES spiders. I've grown to respect and almost like them because of what they do for us. I HATE misquitoes and wasps and they eat them. So, they're my buddies. 😉

It's already 70 degrees here this morning, and I'm still in slippers and a sweater, lol. It just feels good. We're not going to get cold again until this weekend it seems. That's okay, as long as we don't get hot again. I don't do well with the heat ~ which is why I don't want to be in Floriday. But my husband refuses to move so we're stuck.

I think I've come to the conclusion that we definitely can't live together with my Mom in the long run unless it's in a duplex. I love her but we butt heads too much and her negativity just causes emotional chaos in the house. Aaron's afraid to talk to her so he doesn't talk much at all when she's around. I get overwhelmed by her negative vibes and can't help but breathe them in and it affects me poorly. I wish there were some way to show her that there is light to be found, love to be had, happiness to be enjoyed ~ even if it's only small to start. Even in my depths of despair I know those things; I just have to be reminded of them sometimes. But with her she see's no joy in anything whatsoever. I take that back ~ her grandson is her joy. But that's all. How do I help her? How do I give her a chance to look at love and see that it's all around her and that her own repetitive thoughts of negative outcomes have taken over her life and distorted her viewpoint? Do I keep putting up with the negativity and storminess when I'm around her and be infected with it just to try to help her when it's failed so many times? I think we need to go. I can't help her at this close ofa distance. And she won't move on with her life and leave her memories as memories until she's out of this house that she and my stepdad built together. He never meant for them to keep it. It was supposed to be an investment for their future…but then the market crashed and he died. I know she misses him awfully, but she has to find a way to move past the death and into the place where remembering doesn't hurt like it's just happenend. This will be 6 years now this month. I can't take it anymore.

I go see my therapist this week on Thursday, so that helps me feel more relaxed about this. Maybe she can help me devise a plan of action to start the wheels into motion that will eventually lead to us all going separate ways peacefully and lovingly with no hard feelings. I need all the help I can get with this. I want this to be the last Christmas and New Year's we spend living here. But I don't want to alienate my Mom. It's SO complicated.

Maybe I'll kick myself into gear and go shopping after all. I really do need to find something productive to do. Especially since I'm capable today of doing it. I'm not dragging my face in the mud or higher than a kite and I can make good spending decisions today instead of stupid or extravagant ones. I hope. LOL.

Alright, that's it from me. Hope you all have a beautiful day as well. Love and hugs always friends ~ Key

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    Grief takes as long as it takes. Besides that, she doesn't really believe that she can have that again.

    I hope you don't take this wrong, but children and grandchildren are often a poor substitute for a peer who is one's companion in life.

    I think rather than deal with it, just respond to her with "we love you" to no matter what she says. I don't know how much physical contact you have with her , however a hug accompaning the "we love you"  may short circuit the other form of communication..

    "I try again tomorrow"

    hugs Mary

    0 kudos

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