I survived the first 24 hours alone. It's not really a matter of survival but more keeping my mind busy. It didn't come without struggle. I have to get through another 48 hours. I don't know why it's been so difficult. I used to love being alone. I cherished the time I had by myself, now it seems I hate it.
I find myself bombarded with negative thoughts and no energy to get rid of them. I am convinced I will never be happy…I suppose one flaw in my belief iswhat I thinkwill make me happy. I believe I can't be happy if I am alone. But in order to not be alone, I have to open up to people and trust HA!!
I only tend to open up to those who are professionals like psychologists and psychiatrists. I guess I let little incidents in my past affect me: having a therapist who didn't believe in keeping self-harm confidential. When I would confide in her that I had given in, she would say I needed to go to the hospital. After breaking down in a group therapy session, my parents had to be told about my thoughts. I understand they have an obligation, or at least the group therapy leader did, but it still has created a wall of protection.
I can't see anyone accepting me 100%. Who would want to be with someone who had the dark thoughts I struggle with, the scars and how they came to be and the past that is littered with strife?
I am finding myself wanting to numb my feelings with food. I don't really have another option…I am feeling so lazy and unmotivated. I would go to sleep if I hadn't just gotten up but I fear if I sleep too much today I will not sleep tonight. For me to have trouble sleeping at night takes alot but it's still a possibility. I wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone who understood. I cherish everyoneI have chatted with on here but part of me wants to talk face-to-face or verbally with someone. But there lies another problem, I hate talking on the phone and I find talking to be very exhausting when I am struggling.