Tomorrow, or more accurately today (since it’s already 1:30 am), is Monday. Everyone knows about the good ol’ Monday blues. It feels like the weekend never lasts at all. Somehow I spend the weekend stressing about relaxing instead of actually relaxing.
I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety lately, it’s been leaving me paralyzed. Instead of getting very anxious and needing to move and do things my anxiety shuts me down. It’s like there’s SO much going on in my mind and body that I just freeze instead.
I can’t make myself go to sleep because I can’t bear the thought of opening my eyes and waking up to a new week with responsibilities. I just can’t stand the weight of day to day life. I haven’t even really been doing anything lately, I’ve just been spending hours mindlessly scrolling through social media or sleeping. I’ve been getting horrible stomach aches and headaches from the stress and nerves.
All I want to do is get up and do any of the million things I need to do but I feel so sick I can’t. I don’t think anyone I know could understand that. I’m always so worried people will think I’m lazy, well actually they already do, but I’m not lazy because I don’t feel like doing anything. I literally can’t move. I’m on the brink of tears 24/7. I feel like I’m gonna vomit if I move. I can’t breathe. I’m dizzy and feverish and my heart is breaking in my chest. And worst of all there is endless noise in my mind.
Some people go for walks and stuff. I want to try something like that but first I have to get over that barrier of movement and speech. I really physically just can’t bear it. But I don’t know what to do about it and I can’t tell anyone because they can’t do anything about it either.
I just wish I were healthy. I guess that’s kind of dumb, I don’t mean to throw myself a pity party. It’s more like, I wish I didn’t have to heal. It would be so nice if I could just be alright instead.
Feeling plagued by negative emotions is so exhausting but there’s no real way to communicate that with the people around you. The symptoms all just manifest like a normal healthy person being shitty. But I’m not being shitty, I’m sick.
I hate that I can’t even be open on here. I know that no one will judge me, and that if anyone were to read this then chances are they’ve experienced something similar but I still feel like I’m not allowed to express myself. Like me saying that I’m not doing OK will sound whiny and attention seeking.
Before I fall asleep every night I promise myself tomorrow will be better. That I will be so gentle with myself, that I will push myself but be aware of my limits. But it never really happens and when the day is over it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. I just feel guilty and empty and utterly useless. And nothing I did that day was worth any of it at all.
And I’m just not ready for tomorrow. I’m just not ready for Monday at all.