My life, A dream for some, A nightmare for me,A rollercoaster ride I'm unable to leave,An intelligent man-Ha! Who no longer seems capable of controlling his own destiny, I'm a good man? I'm a bad man? Not criminal bad, just intolerant, impatient,arrogant, and many more but mainly insecure cos that is the crux to the problems of my life, I'm loved by many none deservedly, yet still its not enough, I've done good too but i'm sure even Pilot had a good side. I need help NOW! Specialised help, Help my loved ones cant give me, Over the last 26 years I ve been told I have virtually every mental illness known to man, Yet i dont think anyone label fits the bill, My specialist help has so far failed to arrive this time, And my personal time bomb is ticking, Who knows if i'll detonate or not? and if i do will it be an explosion or a powder puff bang? But I'll probably just slip away for the first time in my mainly wasted life, once so full of potential but never dreams, just fears, not phobias like spiders or snakes or the dark, No, Anxieties of unknown mysteries yet to befall me, My patience wears thin now, When I'm on 'One' I often know it but am incapable of stopping it. How my people stand it i'll never know, I cant! It, amongst other things pushes me closer to the infernal trap door, Depression, Mood Swings, OCDs, Anxieties, Insecurites, Lack of control over my own future-How did i let myself get this screwed up? I'm so emotional at times yet so devoid of emotions at others, I am an enigma, A puzzle which has huge chunks missing and even more pieces than should be there. As i'm sure you've gathered from these ramblings, at times i have illusions of huge self importance, So why do i feel so worthless? I think i'm something really special, not good special or bad special, special needs mainly! HELP! x
2 Comments
  1. Holly 12 years ago

    Rich, god reading your blog is a mirror image to what I am going through at the moment. After having my third child nearly seven years ago, I was rushed into psychiatric hospital due to depression, hallucinations and psychosis. My life has not been :bowl:the same since. My mood is rather being on a rollercoaster whilst many different doctors say I have psychotic depression and that ‘I am high !’ for god sake. I am now receiving ECT to yet try and cure one of many different low periods in my life, at present I feel numb only to be told by the psychiatrist I am high. Oh well, what is the world coming to, hopefully to find an experienced consultant who knows his stuff, enabling me to feel emotion again and experience normality. Cheers ! :bowl:

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  2. sam26 12 years ago

    u r not worthless, u have many friends not just in ur town but on here, many people who understand what u feel like, i feel the same, and i thought no one was going thru what i was and now i know there are people out there to share it with , email me any time to talk

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