It's a little after 3 a.m. and I'm blogging. That in itself should be an "uh-oh" sign if there ever was one. For the last 2 days I've been feeling really good ~ except for the jitteriness and the feeling of not being "right". This is hypomanic, and I know it but I don't want to admit it. It feels good to feel good, but I know what payment is due at the end. Maybe the fact that I recognize this is a sign that it's coming to an end and I'm about to head south…I hope not. I've been cycling every day almost and sometimes multiple times in a day. It's not fun ~ I feel looney (no offense to anyone meant). I wonder if this has anything to do with the doubled dosage of Abilify? Or if I had too much caffeine yesterday? Or maybe the sky's orange and stars are purple (some really are) and the moon doesn't exist. Ha! Nope, this is hypomania. I want to do things that feel good like lay inthe sunlight and feel it caress my skin, take a hot bubble bath in the middle of the night, write until my fingers are too tired to work anymore, and thenI'm sure I'll find something else to keep me busy as well.Yesterdayevening I went to the grocery store, came home, ordered pizza, went and got it, ate, got on Dtribe, played with the bunny,made several window stickers with do-it-yourself paints,took a hot bath, journaled, drew, stayed up past 11 p.m. and didn't want to go to bed. Yet allof those things were jumbled and disorganized; spur of the moment stuff. While everyone around me sleeps my hypomaniakeeps me awake andthinking at lightning-like speed; ideas and more ideas of wonderful things I coulddoRIGHT NOW if I didn't have my son sleeping on his futon in my room. (He sleeps in his own room during school days, on weekends and holidays he sleeps in the apartmentwith me downstairs~long story, not going there right now.) I texted friends today that I haven't spokento in months and in one case years, at least other than facebook. I'm notlike that! I'm not that social when I'm "me". Weird thing was Ididn't want to talk to anyone on the phone or face-to-face, just text.Just another idiosyncrisy (spelling?) of me right now and thestate I'm in. I'm reading a book andI'll probably finish it tonight now that I'm up. I just started it and hour ago. At least I'll finish it if I don't get off track and moreenamored with something else.This is what I hate about this ~ the frenetic electrical activity inmybrain that causes meto be frenetic and flaky and spur of the moment. I went through asking one of my friends if I could come down and visit today, and she said yes. And then 15 minutes later I texted her back and said we weren't coming afterall…I had too much to do. I did apologize for the flakiness and explained about the medication dosage being changed.

Have any of you ever read Sark? I discovered her in college and fell in love with her books and art. See~ nowsuddenly I want to paint with watercolors because she did. Grrrrrrr! My mindis speeding like a train! I can tell that soon this is going to get unpleasant for me…bottoming out again for several days, then back up. I loathe the bottom, the ceaseless existence of nothingness, emptiness, grey. I could write a novel abouthow it feels, and still unless you've been there it wouldn't take you there. I'm sure most of us could write about it and we'd all understand here on Dtribe.

I'll willingly keep the fast thinking and wit and creativity, but I want ridof these jitteryfeelings inmy body and the anxiety that goes with this. It's not the same as when I'm depressed, it's different becauseit's like a drug addictwho knows she's going to run out of drugs very shortly and doesn't have the ability to keep her high and she's going to crash. It's anxiety about falling from the happiness and excitement and sense of strength of character and ideas and creativity. AndI don't even want to try to sleepbecause I don't want to waste a moment of it. Just to GET to sleep I had to take OTC sleeping pills. They gave me 4 and a half hours, and I feel fantastic.

I want to go get my new tattoo right now. I feel like the Phoenix I want tatooed on my left front chest above my heart. And I want to get my nose re-pierced. I miss it so much! I'll have it done right by someone else that I've found. Maybe I'll go do that tomorrow. Oh wait, shoot ~ today is Thanksgiving! Dang it!!

Okay, I think I'm done being all over the place on here, I don't want to scare my friends anymore then I already have with this. But this is the truth of the illness ~ now you get to see both sides. I like this one much better, how about you?

~ Key

2 Comments
  1. Paulajay81 8 years ago

    Thank u for sharing. The things u said sounded do familiar. I really feel for u its a bit like a rollercoaster. And can be a bit mentally exhausting. Let the thoughts ride themselves out. And just prepare yourself for going down again. Have a plan or try to. So its not as tough for u. Take care

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 8 years ago

     I am with Will in thinking that this sounds preferable to the vast psycho-circadian sinkhole that is depression.   When I am healthy, I am creative, productive, and energetic–all fairly foreign states now.  So this flume of vitality sounds lush.  I do know that it comes at a price, though.

    I hope you even out soon, Keya.

    In the meantime, enjoy your holiday!

    xox,

    A.

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