Feeling a little irritable today.

Still fighting the good fight.  Starting to wonder if these are side effects of the drug that I am feeling, or something else.  I have so many health issues, that it’s really hard to say.  Overall, I still feel good about taking the Lamictal, and I am still optimistic that it will help me.  I think I can feel some positive effects already, but I know I won’t be able to tell how helpful it is, overall, until therapeutic levels build up in my system – and I know that can take a while, but I am not sure how long.  I am presently waiting for a friend to show up (one of the friends who was a no call / no show yesterday, after having made plans a short time beforehand.  A short time, as in hours).  I am really annoyed with the unreliability of some of the people in my life.  I try to tell myself that I am not the most reliable person in the world, either, given my psych issues, and whatnot – but I rarely ever ditch out on friends, and I would never do so without calling (barring some crazy ass set of circumstances – like I’m on an acid trip, and I become convinced that my friends are actually waiting at the beach to kill me, haha.  Actually, I don’t take acid, anymore, and haven’t in years, and I am not usually prone to paranoia on drugs, but you get the idea). 

I keep expecting the worst of everyone in my life, and then I hate myself for having those thoughts.  I know it’s not fair.  I know the people I care about don’t deserve that.  It’s not constant – just occasional fits of doubt and paranoia.  Like, an occasional haunting, I guess… 

I suppose, my lack of self esteem, and my tendency to expect the worst, as a defense mechanism (to diminish disappointment pre-emptively), are biting me in the ass, now.  I don’t want to think that the people I care about are going to hurt me,  but…  I guess, I am just always expecting the other shoe to drop, because it usually has, in the past.

Anytime I let my guard down…  I’ve taken one in the gut.  Pretty steadily… 

I mean, we know how to hurt the people we love.  We know where to aim, and how hard to hit.  My exes are no exception.

I need to stay focused on myself – filling my life with the right things, so that I don’t feel an emptiness – I’ve found that the absencse of smack, and things smack related, can be offset by feeding the soul.  Art and music help a lot.  I am a singer (not great, but not sh*tty), a photographer, and a writer – sketching is also a hobby of mine.  I dabbled in painting and sculpture years ago and had some aptitude for both.  I plan to set up my easil, and maybe tinker with some watercolors.  I’ll definitely play with some charcoal.  I plan to get some of my pics printed, and mounted on mat board.  Some I will hang in my apt, but I will take some around town to little galleries and coffee shops and such, trying to get them shown.  I am not the best photographer in the world, but people far shittier get their sh*t shown, all the time, so why not give it a go?

I also need to contact SSI about getting help with going back to school, and PADI about getting my dive credentials updated.

It’s been nice having a clean kitchen.  I need to get the stove back on so I can cook – paid the bill, just have to make the appt. to get it turned back on (trying to get the place looking a little better before any workers come thru – but it might actually be square enough for that, at this point.  If not, it’s very nearly there).

A couple things – a friend suggested that I put off dealing with body images until more important matters are dealt with.  Maybe, it has to do with being a woman, but I can never turn those feelings of f.  I am constantly trying to reconcile what I see when I look in the mirror, with what is really there.  But, as a woman, the way I look matters so much, in terms of how people respond to me.  How many guys on this site seem to have friend lists that are loaded with cute girls?  Even enlightened, forward thinking men and women make these choices, gravitating toward the sleeker, prettier possibility, any chance they get.  I have to contend with that reality, as well as the dysorphia in my own mind – neither will go away if ignored.  If I don’t try to look my best, others will likely treat me differently.  And, I will likely be dissatisfied with myself.  If I don’t try to combat my dismorphic self-perceptions, they will take over, and become all that I see when I see my reflection, or a photo of myself.  Exercise is a good idea – rationally, I don’t think I am actually fat, but walking long distances does help me to feel fitter, which is ultimately what matters most, when it comes to weight and all that noise.  i just want to be fit – my body looking it’s best is a natural consequence of getting strong, healthy, and fit.  I just need to deal with these issues in a way that’s healthy and constructive.  I am not trying to be argumentative (I very much appreciate the comments) – just trying to explain.

Hope everyone is well…

1 Comment
  1. Somecure 12 years ago


    You are so damed intelligent and in touch with yourself it”s scarry.  That and you have four creative outlets (singing, photography, writing, and drawing/painting) in which to fall back on for expressing yourself.  You are one lucky being.

    I continue to be mesmerized by your journey.  You are coming along quite well.  Sure you will have your set backs but just stick in there and things will work out for the best.



    0 kudos

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