I made the choice not to attend group last night…out of sheer depression and disappointment. I stayed in and watched videos for school, and stewed over what I would say to group and my therapist, since I have resolved to quit the whole thing…or at least persue a different course. It came to a head when I woke at 3:30 this morning and stewed on it more and really started crying when I was just overwhelmed with a sadness about how small I felt whenever I was around my therapist…even from the first time we met. I\'m sure I\'ve mentioned it here before, but even at our first meeting I was already thrown into anxiety because he didn\'t email my intake forms until the very day of our appt, when he promised he would email them the very day he talked to me. I\'m driving, crying, trying to call my insurance as the forms request to get advanced approval, and when I finally arrived a final blow to me in my distressed state was that he took calls from people during my appointment(which he continued to do at many others). This possibly set the standard and I should have trusted my instincts that maybe this was not the best fit. But I was determined to get help, and I was too fragile and emotionally tired at the time to seek out more people.
It just made me so sorrowful this morning to think back on myself, so desperate and depressed, and like most people, putting so much hope/expectations on your therapist. Ultimately, to be made to feel even more undervalued than I already feel. Actions speak louder than words to me. There\'s something about me that is so f\'in mysterious to him I guess, that he can\'t communicate or help me, even when this is his specialty. I\'m not sure I can even convey here with words all the shame, anxiety, confusion, dashed hopes, and disheartenment I feel. Perhaps his client load is too great, perhaps there are personal things going on in his world, but I really want to believe that I matter and am not as obstinant and unreadable as he seems to think. I\'m NOT THAT mysterious. As per usual, I keep running over everything he told me over time, again and again in my head. I did learn some new things about myself, but I\'ve learned a heck of a lot from the books I\'ve been reading too. I tell myself that over a thousand clients can\'t be wrong! Right? So, we will go to good ol\' Occam\'s Razor for this one; the simplest explanation is more likely the answer. Just not a good match. The task now is upon me to communicate my desire to move on, and follow through with the process of closing things up. I have a lot of fear of using the right words. I get very flustered in confrontation and my therapist always seems to want to contradict me, even when we are talking about the same thing. And I also do feel a heartfelt connection and gratitude towards my group, but I can\'t stay there when my therapist leads the group. So, I\'ll figure it out. My head was spinning and my heart was hurting this morning. I had to at least get some of the thoughts written down so I can hopefully get back to sleep.