Mom's in the hospital… not much for information about what's going on… just the thought that she might've had an aneurism… I'm so freaked out right now… and scared, and because I know what it would take for her to go to the ER… I know it's not good… I know she's not alright. No matter what my dad tells us, I know that it must've been pretty bad.
My siblings are somewhat together. My two sister's and their spouces/husbands are at my older sister's apartment, and my brother is at his place with his wife. My dad's staying at the hospital because their admitting my mom.
And me… what do I do? I don't stay at my sisters place. I cry, and tell them all I can't do 'this' and I take my leave after trying to explain I can't talk about it… I can't think about it more than I already am. I shuffle from foot to foot as tears roll down my cheeks… and I'm scared shitless. I finally take my leave, get the hell out of there, and now I'm alone. I've no one to call… and I feel so shitty. I just… feel bad, and I have my cat. And yes, it would be nice to have someone wrap their arms around me right now and tell me it's going to be ok… but since I don't have that… I would rather be alone. My siblings don't understand me.
Mom… she's everything. And she will be ok… that's all I have to keep telling myself… because if I start to go to the negative place that I tend to… I don't know what I'll do. She makes my life better… and I can't see myself surviving with her anywhere but with me.
FUck. I think I'm just going to try to finish up the last loads of laundry and go to bed. Just wait for tomorrow or the next phone call with the update. Thats all I can do.
I'm sorry I've not been around for my friends here…. I really don't expect much, but I had to say something… I couldn't tell my siblings anymore… they don't get it. I just needed a safe space to talk. Thank you A.T. for being that place for me.