Hello… I'm new to this site.

I have pure obsessional OCD. Thoughts spiral around in my head constantly, almost always about violently hurting someone/something.

I was diagnosed to have OCD last  year when I went to the hospital, but have lived with it for most of my life (I'm turning 18 in a few months).  I'm worried that I don't actually have OCD and that I am actually insane.

Last year, around Christmas time, a "trigger" event happened where I got so anxious and depressed and scared that I actually went to the hospital.  I stayed there for a week where councelors talked to me about it and whatnot. After that, I went to a psychologist for a few months for "behavioural therapy".

I feel like nothing helped.

On my last therapy visit last year, my therapist said I looked quite a bit happier than I had been for the past few months.  I don't know why I was like that… I think I was just sick of nothing helping, just fed up.  And somehow, after I cancelled my sessions, I was okay for a few months. I still struggled, but it was a lot less dominant in my life. I was somewhat happy.

And then it started up again just before Christmas this year, and it's really, really bad this time.

Nobody did a brain scan on me… I feel if they did, they would have found something worse than OCD in there. Heck, the psychiatrist at the hospital only saw me for like 15-20ish minutes when she diagnosed me. That's not enough time for her to do a proper diagnosis, in my opinion.

I find that… emotions are kind of hard to come across nowadays, for me. It's really worrying, because I know that not feeling much of anything is a very bad sign.

But I don't know what to do… These thoughts are increasing, and I feel like I'm getting less and less anxious about it. I feel like the "bad person" inside me is taking over.

Whenever I get really uspet about my "OCD" (I refer to this in quotation marks for a reason), I talk to my mom… but lately she hasn't been much help.  She just says, "have you tried the site your sister gave you?" Meaning this one. And that's pretty much the end of the conversation. I think she can't help me anymore. No one can.

I'm really hoping I can find at least one person out there who actually understands what I'm going through… I know it's not normal, but I think it's not even normal for an "OCD" person, which is why I was really, really hesitant to post on this website.

I feel like I haven't connected with any of my friends in so long… All of them except one have no clue what's going on in my head and it makes me feel like they don't know the real me.

I'm supposed to be making the decision for which university I'm going to go to soon, but… one of my choices was an art school downtown, but the way I'd get there was bus and subway… Every single time I'm in the subway, I get an overwhelming impulse to shove someone in the tracks. I usually stay far, far back from the tracks, but I feel as if I really, really want to comply with what I'm thinking.

My thoughts get really bad when I'm with something alive (human, animals, doesn't matter)  but I feel calm – and my thoughts bug me less – when I'm by myself. As a result, I've been by myself a lot lately. When I'm by myself, I feel like going out to talk to people or pet my pets, but when I'm actually face to face with someone, or when I've approached my pets, my thoughts seem to turn and I just want to hurt them again instead of socializing.

I often cry when I'm going to sleep, because I wonder, what the heck is wrong with me? And what's left to try that will fix me?

I'm sorry for taking up your time… and I'm sorry I'm like this. I often think it's better that I don't exist.

Thanks for listening to me.