Usually the anniversary of my suicide attempt is an important day for me. It feels solemn, serious, and reflective, but makes me proud and feel strong, too. But it passed, July 6th, without me even noticing until today, the 9th. Its because I've been so freaked out about falling back in that anxiety and depression hole. I'm seeing my obsessions come stronger, and with more anxiety, and it's horrifying. I've worked so hard. As a child and a preadolescent, I was sometimes stricken with anxiety to the point where I couldn't leave my house. Now I study law at a big-city university. I work, I'm a stage manager, I have friends. I'm a public speaker. I was so proud. Now I'm afraid I'm going to regress. I feel the anxiety and the sadness inside me all day, in the background, and after dark, it begins to come out. I get teary, less connected with reality. My intrusive images start up, and are getting stronger every day. I'm so flustered.
Remembering today about my anniversary made me feel a little better- it made me thankful for how far I've come. Maybe I have taken a few steps back and maybe I haven't, but in any case I'm a lot better off than I was a 4 years ago. I mean, I have to sort of accept that this is going to be a long road, from totally broken to perfectly whole and maybe I'll never get there, but being really worried about steps back and rushing myself in just a few years just isn't rational and isn't going to help. It's going to take some time.
I feel like I don't have enough time. In the line of work I'm pursuing, in the city I'm going to work in, it's very dog-eat-dog. I'm years behind because I spent ages being ill, and every setback makes me scared that I'm going to be sucked back into that hole, where I'm just miserable and crushed all the time and can't help myself no matter what. I don't know. I'm mildly depressed lately and I don't know how to fix it. There's no one I can talk to, just me.