Okay so I've been feeling weird lately, and I am well aware that I've been acting weird.  I mean I can read what I write…  I am not an idiot…  As much as some people call me one…  And no I don't think I am this ingenious being that is capable of out witting every soul that roams this earth…  But I am observant to details.  So i can gain a sense of what is going on before I open my mouth.

I just don't understand me…  I mean I haven't given into the rituals.  I take that back, I haven't given into many of the rituals.  And when I don't give in to them it's like sometimes I freak out and sometimes I don't…  Where as last month I would has a full blown freak out!  I have however caught myself doing a ritual without me even knowing I was doing them.  I looked at my hands and they were just doing them…  So I was able to stop it.  So maybe some are habbits???  And I was also able to tell myself STOP thinking that bad things will happen.  You are in a safe place…  The worse that could logicaly happen is you could trip…  So there, STOP thinking horrible things about all the what ifs…  Because that is silly.  And you have those thoughts maybe because you care deeply about the ones you love???  So just love them, right?.  Which I still find that really hard to do…  And it makes me angry…  I feel like a big block of ice and the earth has shifted and the seasons are changing from winter to summer.  But I am still far away from celebrating midsummer solstice…  And I don't know if that is beacuse the weather is actually changing or because I am begining to realize things I didn't want to realize…

I do know what I felt all last week, I do not want to ever feel again.  Even though it was a once in a life time experience.  And in my case, two!  lol that made no sense…  😀  Last Saturday was an extremely WEIRD day.  It was like time did not exist to me, money did not matter, and everything I did I put forth my very best, without caring what someone thought of me.  Since then I have lost that feeling.  But I will remember it not as being werid but as having a good day.  Something I have not had in a very long time…  It felt good.

Now onto other things.  I find myself sleeping alot…  I am not depressed, I just feel beyond exhausted.  But as soon as I make myself get up I am awake.  And I mean I have to make myself get up.  It's alot of effort!  But I think I am a strong person and if I put my mind to it I can make it happen.

And Derick called but I did not answer the phone nor did Cirena.  Why won't he just leave me alone…  I don't want his negative attitude and his untrusting behavior in my life.  It brings back too many memories.  I find myself easily influenced by his behavior and I am off that path and I am tring with all my might to be myself.  Whomever that may be?…  Because lately I have no clue…  However I do know that I love Cirena, and I would like for us to spend the rest of our lives together.  That is a for sure thing.  Rather I am gay or not.  In my heart, which over the last week has thawed, it "feels" right for me.  Maybe I am bisexual…  I like that it's in the middle.  🙂  But at this current time I am gay because I am with another woman.  And that is my "choice", and it feels right for me.  And if someone doesn't like that, then that is their problem, not mine.

Now I know that I am not clear of last weeks "Freak out" because I find myself drifting in and out of…  Something I don't even know what it is…  But it's a really weird feeling.  Like a haunted house at a carnival, and I am stuck in the maze of mirrors.  But I would like to say I have pulled myself back together, I just hope I can stay like this and figure out why this is happening to me…  Which I think I have an idea of why this is happening because I can put two and two together, it may take a while to organize.  But I like order.  I'm pretty sure of that…

And I would like to make a proposal, that anyone who reads this, and thinks that there is no light at the end of your dark and haunted tunnel, you should think again…  Because like the earth that rotates around and away from the sun, after a period of time night becomes day.  And when day becomes night remember there are stars in the sky to guide you.

Now don't be suprised if tomorrow I write something completely diffrent then this…  And if I do, I will just have to reread what I wrote and know that at some point I found my way out of the haunted house and onto the carousel.  And I will think about it and try to remember the feeling.  Even though I do not like talking about my feelings…