EverlastingOCD wrote a blog about "The Doubting Brain" involving doubts about things that were done – whether they were actually done or not.

My problem is the opposite – I scan events from my past and try to convince myself that something bad happened that didn't actually happen – then I worry about it.  I have OCD that focuses on scrupulosity (in a moral, not religious, sense) and safety/harm.  A simple example of my doubts taking over my life is my driving habits.  I no longer drive my car regularly (in fact I ask for transportation from family members even to my local appointments these days) because when I drive I am afraid that I hit pedestrians with my car at the last intersection, or drive through a bus's stop lights without noticing. 

But it is far worse than that.  I have of late been reviewing past events, past friends, worrying that I caused harm to them because of my actions.  I get deluded into thinking that I did something in the past that makes me blameworthy or a bad person – and I cannot shake this feeling.  Some of the delusions are serious in nature, some combine with my OCD intrusive violent or sexual thoughts to the point where I constantly worry about whether or not I harmed somebody in the past. 

When I was hospitalized (twice) for my condition, I met people who had horrible luck in their lives.  They told horrendous stories of abuse, neglect, pain.  I hear these stories and my mind tries to convince me that I am guilty of similar things in my past.  I worry and worry and worry and nothing can console me or distract me.  It's gotten to the point where I've had to confess my disturbing and distressing thoughts to my parents because I have nowhere else to turn because of the nature of the thoughts.

I want these thoughts to stop, I am avoiding many television shows because they remind me of things my mind is telling me I did but I didn't do.  I cannot enjoy myself and my life much these days because I cannot relax, because I doubt and worry.  I worry even that I've said too much here and I'll get in trouble for that. 

I know the driving thoughts are common, but can anyone identify with me on the rest of this?  I'd really appreciate it.


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