I’m struggling. Anxiety is getting worst . I’ve having panic attacks. Ive lost my husband. And I don’t know how to cope with the pain. I’m in fear of my self. I feel like I can’t breath . Like there’s something stuck and I just want to scream loud, run and never stop. Is all my fault. I’ve lied to him so stupidly that make it seem I cheated or did bad stuff. Which I did not. I would even do a lied sector to prove I’ve never cheated. Now all of this is catching on me and I’m loosing the love of my life. And I’m no ready for that . I think I’ll never be. I’m alone In a new state, no friends . Just me and the kids . And well my husband. Because we still leave together. For the kids and also financial situation. But how am I supposed to heal , how am I supposed to continue like is nothing? When I seen him every day. And it hurts having him so close but at the same time so far. Now he’s going out to party’s with news friend . While I drink my tears wander what is doing and whit whom. And I can’t even go out and try to act like nothing loving on or go out to cope with this cuz I don’t have no one . So I have to sit here stay in this house while he go out and party with new friends . I must confess I fuck up. I was so stupid and naive. I do shit thy I don’t think thru. And that why I’m here. I made mistake and I’m owning up to it. He think of me like I’m this nasty person. Which I’m not. I’m just stupid and I have a problem. I lied for stupid shit and make shut worst. But from that to cheat or talk to another man. While we been married no. And I think that’s why tho hurts even more cuz I know the person I am , I know I haven’t done those stuff. But here I’m paying for it. And I can’t handle. I don’t sleep . And barely eat. Is hard . I don’t which this pain on one . I have never love no one like I do to this man. He’s my everything. Is 10 years . Where I had the best time of my life. We build a beautiful family. I never had the e. Growing up in foster care , my wish always was to have a family. To have someone who love me and I can love . God gave me 2 amazing son at my teen years. But that emptiness was still there. Later on I have my beautiful princess , but that emptiness was there. Till I found my husband. I have never felt a love like that . At the beginning wasn’t easy . I wasn’t perfect . I think in a sense I was scared. I was tired of been let down by men’s . I just never thought someone would take me seriously with 3 kids. But then it happen. I fell hard . But even then I wasn’t good . We had or ups and down. Till 2013 when he proposed to me. One of the best day of my life. I took my vows seriously. I’ve faithful. I’ve dedicated . But yeah I fuck up. And lied and that cause a big domino effect. Everything staring falling out. Honestly I don’t know what that fuck wrong with me . Is like I hate my self for allowing this to happen. There’s nothing in this world I adore more that my family. I live and breath for them. If it wasn’t for my kids I’ll be dead. Life haven’t been fair. Is like I tried but there’s always something. Like I’m no meant to be happy. I’m not a bad person. I work and dedicated my time to my family . I don’t go out , I don’t drink I don’t smoke . Last time I went out was over 10 years ago. I don’t have friends . And Is always from home to work and work to home. And I love it that way . Yeah sometimes I feel alone . Sometimes I feel I might be missing in life . I’m only 31 . But is ok cuz I had my family . I think I took stuff for grated even tho I was very great full and felt blessed. How can someone over come this? How you deal with separation. I think for some people is a bit more easier when they don’t see each other. In my case I still live with him. I feel is like a roommate situation. And is no healthy . I’m not moving on, I’m not healing. It get worst every night. I think I’m loosing it. I don’t know how to feel with pain. I’m very emotional. And my minds go everywhere. I which I can just turn of my emotions but is not that simple. I’m playing happy family while I died in the inside .
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That sounds terrible. That is no good that you are having such a hard time.
I don’t have any solutions, there is nothing really to do but to see how it plays out. It’s a tough position.
As for the panic attacks, I have some strategies that I use. I don’t know if you would find them helpful.
1. When I am having a panic attack, I need to remember to breathe out (not in) Big breaths out, then slowing the breaths if possible. Then once the suffocating symptom subsides, trying to normalise the breathing again.
2. A panic attack lasts only one or two minutes usually, although the anxiety can last much longer. I like to keep in mind that this is a panic attack, it is difficult, painful and awful, but most likely it will be over in a minute. The symptoms may last a lot longer, such as dizziness, trembling, violent shakes etc, But generally the violence of the panic attack would be over very soon, so remember you are waiting for it to pass. It will pass on its own. You don’t need to do anything else, as it will stop on its own.
3. When I am having a panic attack, I notice that I am having really mean thoughts about myself, and they come very hard and fast. It is my job to stop those thoughts. They are persistent little buggers, but those thoughts cannot stay. They are not healthy, not good for me, not good for anything. Any way to stop the thoughts, like visualising a large traffic stop sign, or the word stop, or saying stop out loud. It does take a lot of practice, but it gets easier.
4. The panic attack will pass. Try not to buy into the shame about having had a panic attack. That’s not true, and it’s mean. Be kind to yourself.
5. You may feel unwell for some time after the panic attack, so keep gentle activities while you recover.
Sometimes a walk can do wonders. It’s all about clearing those unwanted thoughts in any way that you can. If you are finding it hard, it’s because it is very challenging, so don’t think you are alone with that, but keep practicing. With practice comes improvement. As you get better, you can go in and out of emotional states in a way you couldn’t previously.
I have been having multiple panic attacks daily at the moment too. I have set myself a promise that I will meditate every day, and I have been finding this helpful. I like to meditate sipping and enjoying my coffee (because I love my coffee). It’s a mindfulness practice in enjoying the little things. There are lots of ways to meditate, maybe you might like to research this and find what suits you. Also, sometimes exercise and getting really puffed out can help. I use strategies where I keep stilling my thoughts as I exercise, and maybe tell myself empowering affirmations as I exercise. The internet is full of empowering affirmations, so you pick the least annoying ones.
I hope you feel better soon.
Take deep breaths, in four hold four out five. In for seconds, hold four seconds, out five seconds. Once you feel your shoulders drop, start thinking about the truth. Write it down, be completely honest and open. No more lies, no dodging. Direct and open communication. Relationships require trust, honesty, and communication. Ya gotta build em back. It still might not fix anything, but that’s okay. We all make mistakes, we’re all human. Take your time and please take care of both yourself and your children. Watch some Ted talks on mental health and take them with a grain of salt .
Finally just, let him know you’re going to let it all out, no more lies. The only thing you need is patience to clear your mind and gather your words to prevent any future misunderstandings.
I hope things go well for you, and remember therapy is normal and recommended.