I cant do this. There is nothing and no one left to hold me up. I am a failure. I am going to fail. And when i do this time, my last supporters will lose faith. It isnt fair. You have built me up to be something I am not. Yet, I cant blame you because I let you. I am not perfect. I never will be. But you wont let me accept that. Because anything les than perfect isnt good enough for you. Anything less than happiness, no matter how fake, isnt acceptable.

I will never be sick enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be perfect. You will never see the truth because i have tried and tried to show you but your eyes are sewn shut. Your ears are closed. Your brain is switched to off. So when the 1st comes and i'm not done, you might realize how imperfect i am. How calling me perfect doesnt make it so. How expecting nothing short of perfect doesnt mean you get perfection. And i can live with that. But when the 10th rolls around and you all realize i'm a complete failure I wont be able to live with that. I WILL NOT be that failure.

SO when the 10th rolls around and I am incomplete I will show you all how sick I really am. I am anorexic, yet I will die fat- because I am not sick enough. I am depressed and I will die because of it because you thought I wasnt sick enough. I will bleed every ounce of blood from those cuts and you will notice the rest of the scars that you were too blind to see because I am not sick enough. On the 10th i swear to god if I fail i wont be able to live with myself and I will stop living. I will end my life whether it lands me in heaven or hell or as a wandering spirit or finally just rips all consciousness from my body. I have never been so sure of something in my life.

I am sick enough. I am not perfect. I can not live up to your expectations. And I will show you this if I fail, when i leave the earthyou will all realize. Maybe then i can find an ounce of happiness in the peacefulness of death.

1 Comment
  1. borntired 9 years ago

    I don't know who you are talking about but they aren't dealing with reality. No one is perfect except our Lord Jesus Christ. No one comes anywhere close. You know you could have a great ministry to those who are less than perfect. You never know what the Lord has in store for you through your suffering. I am not saying he caused it but maybe through your suffering you can reach out to someone else.

    I have been forth right with my depression and amazed at how many people also are having similar issues but are afraid to say anything or think themselves less of a person.

    As my counselor says, this is an illness just like cancer or heart problems or a broken leg etc. People have to accept that. You can accept that.

    Don't believe the lies from the devil that you are a worthless human being because you don't measure up to others expectations. You are a wonderful, sensitive person who is going through a very rough patch. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time.

    If you ever want someone to talk to or text with message me and let me know how to contact you or i will give you my number.

    hugs to you, please stay with us

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