I cant do this. There is nothing and no one left to hold me up. I am a failure. I am going to fail. And when i do this time, my last supporters will lose faith. It isnt fair. You have built me up to be something I am not. Yet, I cant blame you because I let you. I am not perfect. I never will be. But you wont let me accept that. Because anything les than perfect isnt good enough for you. Anything less than happiness, no matter how fake, isnt acceptable.
I will never be sick enough. I will never be good enough. I will never be perfect. You will never see the truth because i have tried and tried to show you but your eyes are sewn shut. Your ears are closed. Your brain is switched to off. So when the 1st comes and i'm not done, you might realize how imperfect i am. How calling me perfect doesnt make it so. How expecting nothing short of perfect doesnt mean you get perfection. And i can live with that. But when the 10th rolls around and you all realize i'm a complete failure I wont be able to live with that. I WILL NOT be that failure.
SO when the 10th rolls around and I am incomplete I will show you all how sick I really am. I am anorexic, yet I will die fat- because I am not sick enough. I am depressed and I will die because of it because you thought I wasnt sick enough. I will bleed every ounce of blood from those cuts and you will notice the rest of the scars that you were too blind to see because I am not sick enough. On the 10th i swear to god if I fail i wont be able to live with myself and I will stop living. I will end my life whether it lands me in heaven or hell or as a wandering spirit or finally just rips all consciousness from my body. I have never been so sure of something in my life.
I am sick enough. I am not perfect. I can not live up to your expectations. And I will show you this if I fail, when i leave the earthyou will all realize. Maybe then i can find an ounce of happiness in the peacefulness of death.