So past month or so been a bit of a balls up.. to put it bluntly.. what I have come to learn is that hanging on to that 'ideal' and to'old dreams' canlead to major hurt and dissapointment.

In my casethis was one of thefirst loves in my life who helped meto define 'me' and to accept myself for what I am.We had lost touch for aroung 10 yrs after a brief but mind blowing affair.. which I can still look back on fondly.Then thispersondid all the chasing.. and for the first time ina number of yrs..I thought wow I feel alive again.. I was beginning to feel 'just a little' bit more confident insocial groups that were positiveand with people I could relate to. An was letting this person backinto mylife and intoheart (which i find extremely hard to do – walls go up to avoid getting hurt).

Well to cut a long story short.. this person has now.. with my encouragement – started dealing with some issues from thier past and has now been diagnosed with PTSD and is about to undertake 2 yrs therapy. On top of thier probs, and my low self esteem / depression everything flared up – fueled as often the case – by alcohol! I love this person with all my heart, and my heart seems to be ruling my head atm – all i want to do is support them and Ikeep getting pushed away :o(

These recent relationship cracks have left me hurt, confused, restless, sleeping pattern practically non existent, and when i do fall asleep I've been waking up with panic attacks. The hurt has also led to triggering self harm again -alcohol fueled again-not a bad episode this time,but its therein my head now all the same:o( x

Trials of the heart.. and the head…hey!!