This has been the worst I've felt in a really, really long time. I just transitioned into an 8 hour move to another state for my first year of graduate school, but am far from the happy, social person I used to be.
Admittedly, it has been an extremely hard year and I have been putting so much into my relationship with my boyfriend of two years, but I do not think he has been returning the efforts. I guess that really isn't enough to cause depression, but it certainly exacerbates it with added stress. This past year was really hard. I was so confident 3years ago when I got back from my semester abroad that it seems absurd that I am going through this now. I went through depression my freshman year of undergrad, too (in 2008) and was diagnosed with OCD mostly for my intrusive thoughts. Despite the OCD, I'm usually able to succeed in my academic endeavors and keep going. I joined a sorority last year and my boyfriend became extremely jealous of the time I dedicated to it, though it was part of the requirements, and provided me with a sisterhood and additional friends. He would get so mean when I had to split my weekends between him and the sisters, so eventually I ended it last February. Looking back, I feel horrible. How could I have been that upset that I ended it and let him cry and sleep on my COUCH, not even with me? I have extreme guilt over it, especially because I started talking to a guy a couple weeks later (which turned out to be nothing more than a rebound). My boyfriend still kept in touch with me, even though we were not dating, and told me every morning that he loved me and was so sorry. I wanted to work it out, but he would not come visit me because we went to school an hour apart and he had "too much to do". I came to see him on his birthday to take him out for dinner, even though I really had no money as I was a struggling college student, and he cried when I left and kissed me and told me he missed me so much and wished we could be together more. I found out he was sleeping with another girl and he went back to sleeping with her, which really hurt after he had been telling me he loved me every morning and it hurt even more when I thought back to how much I thought he loved me and what I thought we had.
He came back to me in May and came to my sorority's formal, well the end of it. It was my last weekend at my undergraduate university and I really wanted to stay at the bars with my best friend who had been a sweetheart and came with me to formal as my date because she knew how sad I was and wanted to be supportive. Yet, my boyfriend was against the sorority so we had to leave, which I agreed to because I hadn't seen him in a long time.
The next month was especially hard as his mother died and I came to his house to be with his family and ease his pain. I held his hand and hers and watched as he had to say goodbye to someone who meant the world to him, which was hard for me to do and also very confusing because I had to remain strong. It was then that we talked about our futures because he said he was committed to making us work and being together for good. While had been sleeping around in March and not really trying to talk, I accepted an opportunity to study down South for my masters degree, which was completely cost free for me. He told me he'd try to find a job closer to me so we could be together and start our lives together, but instead he accepted a job up in a Northern state (10 hours away from my grad school) while I was down at my school to secure an apartment in July with my mother. Somehow, it seemed so hurtful that he accepted it so readily without even talking to me.
Other couples are getting engaged and having children, which I am probably not ready for, but he thinks that they are being dumb. Really, I have this doubt that he just does not want me–and thats very hard to think. I think he's less serious about our relationship and I recently found otu he has been talking to a female teacher from his school without even mentioning her to me. Its really strange as he has also become less sexual with me around the same time they started talking and it baffles me as to why he would hide it if he really was just being friendly with her.
Ugh, I am sorry this is so long. He gave me the silent treatment on the phone for two days because I was upset and wanted reassurance about the situation, which seemed immature and also really rude and hurtful. However, he still came to see me this past week, but was so distant. Usually, he'll compliment me all the time and make me laugh (Oh goodness, the way he used to make me laugh my loud, obnoxious laugh). He used to seem so invested in us, but lately it seems half a**ed. I know I am suffering from depression and am especially moody with people around me, often to the point that I think its illogical and little things upset me more so than they ever would before. I think he just sees me as a nutjob, maybe I am because I suffer from depression AND ocd. I just haven't been able to be happy and peaceful in a while and I don't know what to do, if its worth ending the relationship over. I wouldn't want my depression to be the reason I give up on another person, but I also feel that some of the pain I feel has been a result of the physical and emotional distance between us. He carries on like everything is fine, but I can't any longer.
He gets mad at me for having guy friends and puts them down, but can talk to whatever girl he wants..I just am so frustrated.
Also, does depression make you irritable towards others at times? I have been so touchy and feel completely irrational. I don't feel beautiful and free like I used to, but instead dread looking in the mirror and taking time to pamper myself. Is this normal, what would you do?
Sorry this is a book 🙁
Thank you for any help!