I hate making too much for assistance but not enough to get by. I looked into the pro bono legal serviceavailable in my area and if they go by my monthly NET income instead of GROSS I make $60 over their max. I'm around $600 if they do go by gross. That's crazy! How can I defend myself and my unborn child from a mother who just got an apartment which provides a stable residence for her and the child if I can't even afford a lawyer? If I sold everything of value and wiped out my credit and savings I'd have a grand total of around $800. When a decent lawyer charges $500 for retainer and $150/hr that won't last long at all. I don't even know for a fact she really is using drugs, it's just a strong hunch I have from her past history, her views on it, and her mother telling me about the company she's keeping. I'd be very shocked if she wasn't, but I still don't want to start a fire where there isn't one already. This will ruin any chance I have of getting back with her too because she will most certainly know it was me and I couldn't look her in the eyes and deny it. I still need to see her at the appointments as well and it will hurt me even more knowing what I did to her. I would feel a little better if she was using drugs and the law put a stop to it, but if they tested her and didn't find anything then I didn't trust her to make the right decisions and she did. My heart and morals are in conflict with each other. If the baby was already here and I suspected this I would be doing something about it right away if for no other reason than the junkies she's having over at her place all the time. She was doing so well and left that life almost completely behind while we were together too. This really saddens and disapoints me that it's coming to this.

Someone in chat just suggested I call the doctors office and let them know of my concerns so they can run tests at her next appointment. I like that idea and agree with it. They often draw blood and ask for urine samples to make sure everything is going ok so it won't seem suspicious. If they are clean, great. No harm done. But if they're positive, then there's evidence she can't refute. It won't be linked back to me either because if someone shows up at her place there's only 2 people that could've made the call – her mother or myself. I'll be following through with this suggestion after my first therapy session today.


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