I do not want to live the rest of my life with this on my chest. I can’t even imagine what 60 or so years living with the memories of how people disrespected me, degraded me, and disowned me.

At night I think about the lows..and I cannot stand it, even though things are better, I’m not as depressed, moments can still prove unbearable. I never thought my life would surmount to this. What will I ever be able to accomplish for myself? I can’t even get a fucking part time job. What does that say about whatever career success I could attain?

The job thing doesn’t bite at me that bad though. At least, not like all the hurt I have from my "friends". Do you ever feel like your life is so messed up that you don’t want/think you can ever make it clean again? Even as I type that I feel some level of absudity…

it reminds me of this letter a girl wrote to Girl’s Life Magazine (its a mag for 12 year old girls that I, for some reason, decided to page through at the dentist’s office). I thought the letter was hilarious…this 11 year old girl writes in about how she has fucked up her life because she stole a $5 pair of earings and got caught. Now, she wrote, she’s sentenced to probation and is miserable because she, "knows I have ruined my life forever". Obviously she hasn’t ruined her life, and  I know that techinically and probably to a sane person my life is still workable and liveable.

I just never thought that people, the friends I cared about so much, could hurt me this bad…I will have to walk around with that memory and distrust  in my head…for the rest of my life. I don’t want that…it’s tourture. Even if my life turned out not so fucked up, I will always have the memory of past events and the hurt in my heart that no halfhearted apology can assuage.

As a step towards not taking the hurt and directing it inwardly, I do feel some anger. I did not deserve this or invite what happened. The things that sent me over the edge…those were the actions of others…actions I can’t control. But what does it even matter if I’m angry? I feel like..if the person you are mad at in no way accepts your anger or that something hurt you..then there really was no point of even getting angry. nothing will change. and things get internalized. again


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