well, i didn't end up killing myself because this kid i know could tell something was up with me and has been spending every day with me trying to make me feel wanted and cheering me up. which is great. except. he likes me. and i like him. but. if feel as if i'm going to fuck up our relationship just because i always fuck it up. and i feel really bad too because i try not venting to him at all. i don't want him to have to constantly hear about how much i hate myself and all my problems and blah blah blah, but he's really good at drawing it out of me. and he says that he doesn't mind, that he knows i need someone to talk to since my parents know about it but are refusing to get me help or have me be able to get help, but i don't want him to start thinking that's the only reason why i like him.
i feel so frustrated by all this because i'm trying my hardest not to be depressed around him and to just be super happy because he deserves a girl who doesn't want to kill herself and can actually eat a meal everyday instead of eating one meal every three days and he says that it's okay, that he doesn't mind, that he wants to be here for me, but i just am scared that one day he's going to wake up and be like, wow, i'm sick of this, she's always bringing the mood down and i deserve more. and i'm trying to not be dependant on him in any way, shape, or form, but, it's hard when you don't normally have anyone there for you and then all of the sudden here is this person who actually genuinely cares and ughhhhhhh.
i just feel like i'm going to drive him away with this. or by freaking out about it. either or. and i'm sick of screwing things up with everyone.