well, i didn't end up killing myself because this kid i know could tell something was up with me and has been spending every day with me trying to make me feel wanted and cheering me up. which is great. except. he likes me. and i like him. but. if feel as if i'm going to fuck up our relationship just because i always fuck it up. and i feel really bad too because i try not venting to him at all. i don't want him to have to constantly hear about how much i hate myself and all my problems and blah blah blah, but he's really good at drawing it out of me. and he says that he doesn't mind, that he knows i need someone to talk to since my parents know about it but are refusing to get me help or have me be able to get help, but i don't want him to start thinking that's the only reason why i like him.

i feel so frustrated by all this because i'm trying my hardest not to be depressed around him and to just be super happy because he deserves a girl who doesn't want to kill herself and can actually eat a meal everyday instead of eating one meal every three days and he says that it's okay, that he doesn't mind, that he wants to be here for me, but i just am scared that one day he's going to wake up and be like, wow, i'm sick of this, she's always bringing the mood down and i deserve more. and i'm trying to not be dependant on him in any way, shape, or form, but, it's hard when you don't normally have anyone there for you and then all of the sudden here is this person who actually genuinely cares and ughhhhhhh.

i just feel like i'm going to drive him away with this. or by freaking out about it. either or. and i'm sick of screwing things up with everyone.

4 Comments
  1. NotShakespeare 7 years ago

    Hope your efford pays off, also good luck with this guy, i know that it's awesome to have a special someone. Be safe!

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    Sounds as though you feel overly responsible for him and that you think he is doing as mych analyzing as you are. He isn't. Yours is a function of your depression. There is no accounting for why people support us or love us. One thing is certain, it is their choice and not yours (ours). Accept the support and be glad (grateful) that it is there. Two reasons: you need the support and he feels good being in a supportive role ( give thanks or this..again gratitude)

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  3. Andie372 7 years ago

    Don't waste life by hating yourself.  Find a therapist and work on those self esteem issues.  And enjoy having a friend.

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  4. music810 7 years ago

    Hi…take baby steps.  He knows your depressed and have some issues.  This boy doesn't care what they are because he likes you and wants to be with you.  Take a breath and enjoy his company.

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