I don't know why I'm writing this, guess it has to go somewhere because I'm sick of it all just being there in my head.
I'm over it. Over everything. Everything that contributes to this sad excuse for an existence. Like really, why even bother? I'm always wrong. There is no comfort in being at home. It's all just screaming and yelling and general unpleasantness. I don't really need to hear five times a day how I fail and how disappointing I am. I don't need to hear about how much better my little sister is. I don't need to constantly hear that I'm a screw up and just constantly screw up everything.
But of course I hear it anyway. Because its all so necessary that I hear it. Necessary for me to feel the way I'm being told to.
My next least favourite place is school. You're all thinking now, 'isn't that a given?' Well yes. But usually, as much as I do hate it, I go through with it every day. But this time, this time I genuinely hate it. Do not want to be there, do the work, see the people, interact with the people, much less get up in the morning to do it all. Spending so much time away from school won't have helped, but I like it more. The conformist nature of going to school is a little too much. So I guess I'm just left watching my grades slide. Which is fine, because even though I should care, and did once care, I'm finding I'm caring a whole lot less. This is so the wrong end of school to stop caring, but hey, whatcha going to do?
I'm also less inclined to talk about things (so why I'm posting this is entirely beyond me). Guess it really hurts being burnt by the people you trust. So I withdrew from people, only to be lectured for doing so. Why is it I'm at fault when they're clearly making absolutely no effort either?
The point is, I'm feeling restless and unsettled. Probably due to the return of school on Monday, but also a number of other things. And I feel inclined to self harm – yes I know. Bad idea rah rah rah. Say what you want, I'll probably do it anyway. Because I'm a crap excuse for a human being! Not proud of this, unhappy and whole lot of other things.
I thought about ending it all, but you know, on the off chance I do succeed I don't feel I'll have achieved anything. Cowardly. So where has all this gotten me? Apparently nowhere.
Okay. I think I'm done. Sorry.