Lately I have been working out at a gym up the street.   Ive been going for about 3 weeks and I have noticed a change in my attitude and my overall well being.  Its difficult still because even though I dont look like I have an illness I know its there so besides having problems with my salivary glands I am pretty normal I guess.  Anyway it been a good thing for me because it makes me feel like Im still human.  I went to the VA doctor yesterday this was a new therapist or Physhiatrist that was refered for me.  As he was looking at my chart he noticed that I had been through alot of shit in the last 3 years…I asked if he could help me and he said I dont know, you have been through 2 therrapists already and Im number 3.  Anyway I told him my story how my dad comitted suicide, had an abusive step mother and that I was kicked out of the house at 17 2 weeks after my dad died and then eneded up homeless like 5 times but still managing to bounce back, buy 2 houses, complete a four year technical school, raise a son who is 8 now  and as he heard me tell him this he put his head down and when he looked up he was kinda crying.  Like it was too overwhelming for him.  I told him how my stepmother used to beat us with coathangers and hairbrushes and cut our nails so short they would bleed and that growing up in a biker town was insane in the 70s and we would entertain ourselves by dumpster diving in alleys .  I guess he hadnt heard a story like that in a while but he said from all u have been through Im suprised u r still standing….I told him I was Iridh and a Taurus and stubborn as helll and ill fight till the end……so in the end he said I was doing better I just need to get my head back on, he also explained that the HIV isnt what is causing me grieve but that Im reliving my childhood in my mind like Im back in 1975 going through the hell day in and day out which is my groundhog days.  Ive been coming out of my shell thoughm, working out, meeting new people and not holing up in my 2 acre hell in the country surrounded by redneck huslers.  I have nothing against them only when they havent got 2 nickles to rub together and see me as an easy target because I have a check every month.  I worked 28 years though and have been al over the world and hell and back and damn if Im going to let it end on one dead end street lost in time.


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