Here I am another morning of misery. I am so tired of being so tired. I dont understand the tiggers for my depression. If I could understand maybe I could fix me. I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, PTSD, and post concussive syndrome, (the PTSD and PCS came from a car accident a few years ago). I have tried to convince myself that my "mental disease" is a unique personality disorder and that at some point in my life I will understand the reason for it and will be glad for it and that at this point in my life I have decided against all medication and that I will find a way on my own. Afterall, we are self healing organism, right? I tell myself that I have to suffer through the bad days to get to what I affectionately call my "neurotic days". my neurotic days are the days when my head goes full speed ahead and I am accomplished and successful but the cost of these days is extreme lows. I know what you are all thinking and I am pretty sure I am not bipolar. A few months back I had a neuropsych evaluation but I am unable to know the results of it until the lawsuit for my car accident is settled. So here I sit trying to figure me out, what is it that my head is searching for to make me better. Is my depression what makes me who I am? I am so tired of hearing about how happy everyone thinks I am. The Foo Fighters said it best, I am a PRETENDER. I am the queen of faking it. But what if I dont want to fake it anymore? Then I would have to admit that I am not the person I keep striving to be, the person I so desperately want to be.


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