[greet] Hello World [/greet]
I've joined because I know I have a bit of an issue. But before I start with that, I'll give my backstory.
When I was just about thirteen my parents split and it was an ugly, ugly divorce. Both of my parents struggled financially, and between my then 2 year old brother and 9 year old sister (Now 6 and 14) we had many a problem. But we were okay, things were stable enough, and the bills got paid.
But, then my mom announced to us that she had cervical cancer, and that was a big blow. I was fourteen, she was working two jobs, and I was babysitting nightly and getting my brother and sister up in the morning. All was well enough, bills still getting paid, but my mother's health steadily got more and more unstable and lost her jobs, and my father wasn't keeping up on his child support.
When my mother beat her cancer for the second time, we found out she had tumors growing in her brain, and that was alright, I took it well, but she did tell me just before we were planning to move to a larger house, she had to leave yet another job. That is the basic run down, bear in mind, all of this bad news came over a five year period of ups and downs. The entire time we were planning big things, moving, getting things more stable, then we were hit with bad news.
Currently, my mother lives in a small apartment and she had surgery to get two of the tumors removed. But, it was not covered by her insurance, and totaled with hospital bills we're about 40 thousand dollars in debt. I cot a job in order to help out, but we're still late with our rent often and we do have a lot of financial problems.
My father is still no help.
My emotional status through the entire thing? Well, I'm 17 and paying my mother's rent, and I accept that. But somedays I feel like I'm getting nowhere, like my entire life will be like this. I cry often, I wish hard that things would get better, but theres nothing I can do. I'm powerless, and I'm very discouraged. I'll admit, when things get particularly bad I do have suicidal thoughts, with my mother being sick and so many problems I just wish it would all, just, stop.
I feel very empty, like the work I do won't amount to anything, and then I lose motivation to do anything. Somedays I can kick myself into doing something, and my grades really aren't bad, C's at the lowest, but I get so discouraged and so very upset. I break down with the stress sometimes. Sometimes even in school, and then I just proceed to feel weak and vulnerable. I've prided myself in being strong for my family, but somedays I just can't take it. I just hope that my life will go on and eventually become what I want it to be.
Well that's enough of that isn't it? I'll post more later, it feels good.