So, first, my uncle’s girlfriend passed away on the 17th I think. We think she died from heroin (or some other similar drug) overdose (my uncle had caught her with it the night she died). I never really knew her that well but she might as well have been my aunt. She has been in my life as long as I can remember. She (along with my cousin and my uncle) came over to visit the day before she passed away. I was upset while they were there. I felt like my parents were telling me to do thing after thing and I was upset. I don’t think I even said hi to them. That was the last time I say her. When she wasn’t dead and in a casket. 

Not many people in my family liked her. My grandma says “She had a way of using people” people meaning my uncle. I know that she wasn’t necessarily a good person but she was always nice to me. She read my blog and she sent me a really heartfelt email after reading some stuff on my blog and I responded with a stiff “I appreciate what you said.” I mean I said more but that was basically what I said. 

And I never called her “aunt” and now I feel like I should of. I also never tried to get to know her better because of what my family said about her. And I’m not sure how I really feel about that. I mean I know that I feel hurt and guilt and regret but I feel like I’m not feeling enough about it. Does that make sense?

And my motivation and mindset have really taken a hit. Less motivation is probably also affected by ^^^^^ but my mindset was going down before that.  I think that was part of the reason why I was so upset that day when she came over.

A lot of the time when I start to feel more depressed or anxious than most of the time I go and I start to do research about mental illnesses. For some reason, I have this really, really certain belief that I’m not okay like seriously. And I have researched so many common mental illnesses and none of them fit or didn’t really get how I felt. But the other day I found one that fits really well. It’s called borderline personality disorder. I know it might sound like I’m trying to self diagnose and I’m really not. I just want to have a good idea of what I think before I talk to a professional. And I tried to tell my mom this last night but it kinda feels like she brushed me off she said “I really don’t think there is anything wrong with you. It’s completely healthy and normal to have all the feelings you d0.” and then she asked if I have talked to my therapist about it. And I told her no because I had asked that therapist before what she thought about me getting a depression/anxiety screening and she told me how she doesn’t think that it’s a good idea for teenagers to get diagnosed with a mental illness.

I feel like I should also try to stop thinking about it but the more I do, the more I relate the to the things it says like the symptoms. And I feel like I haven’t really talked to anyone at all since all this quarantine started. And really that’s my fault I just kinda stopped talking to everyone and I mean I’ve been fine but I just kinda feel stranded. And right now I’m at my grandmas’ and that is definitely stressing because I don’t want to give her or my grandpa anything cause my grandma is most definitely a high risk for COVID.

And I don’t think it helps that I’m pretty sure I had a hallucination this morning. So, my grandpa leaves for work at 5:30 to 6:00 every morning. I was awake but I didn’t want to get up and bother him so I didn’t get up and I waited for him to leave. From the room I was in I could see my grandpa’s truck from the window. The window was only open a crack but I could still see the truck and the headlights. I would swear that my grandpa shut the truck door and drove down the road. And then the front door opened I thought it was a thief or something that waited until he left to take something. But then when he left I looked out the window and my grandpa’s truck was still there and the man that was in the house got into my grandpa’s truck. Meaning that the man in the house was my grandpa. (It is typical for my grandpa to come in and out of the house before he leaves. He’ll water the plants and do stuff outside before he leaves).

Welp. Any advice? Do you know what I should do?