today i’m not really crying anymore which is supposed to be a good thing according to the professionals… and according to them i will start to pick up now and of course i wont realise it because i have such severe depression… which i completely recognise and understand but truth be told they just dont know what to say to me anymore. noone does. you can see it in their eyes. they are just desperately searching for a glimmer of hope that i want to survive this. i don’t know what else to try to get better, they tell me i’m doing everything i can and it’s a waiting game. can i really wait any longer? it feels unbearable. i feel dead inside. i’m looking so hard for even the tiniest little thing to keep me going … and at least i have found here which at present is a new distraction – most distraction techniques are not working for me anymore – especially as i spent the last year living a distraction. i can only see one solution but i’ve been to that point before and failed. i can’t take that risk again. everyone is getting angry with me for feeling i’m ready to go – i am angry with myself too but i’ve lost everything now…my parents have to stick by me – they made me and probably feel guilty for their part in creating this mess for me – but past them i have noone and nothing. i’m so bored. oh so very bored of everthing. i spend every day waiting to go to sleep at night, nights waiting for my sleeping tablets to kick in and the hours waiting for that wishing i didn’t have to wake up to being me in the morning. i so desperately need something good to happen and restore my faith in life. and i know things dont happen when you are waiting for them but i just dont know how much longer i can stick aound for them to find me.

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