Aight…gonna take another stab at this.  *sigh  i keep having these racing thoughts, and sometimes, i just need to write–no matter what the content–i guess.  So, please keep that in mind, if you’re reading. 

i’ve been thinking about/trying to write about this, for a long time now…i just keep shoving it under the rug.  Why?  i mean, it seems like everybody has to put a label on themselves, lately.  Why?  i am me.  That’s all i know.  That’s all i can be.  Right?  i can see the beauty in everyone–well, almost everyone.  Everybody has positives AND negatives–no one is perfect, just like no one is completely, 100% bad.  We’re all human….or, so i’d like to believe.  Anyway, for me, sexuality is somewhat of a touchy subject.  i have a history, and experiences that still dish out different degrees of pain and frustration.  ehhh–it is what it is.  i really, sincerely, have always felt different…..  When i was young, something happened that i have not been able to remember, as of yet.  And, i think whatever happened shaped quite a few things, especially in my earlier life.  When i was in high school, i know i “acted out,” at least somewhat.  i desired to fit in, somewhere, even if it meant fitting into something, somewhere i did not want to be.–if that makes sense.  i wound up, especially after fred did what he did to me, before i turned 16, behaving a bit too…..dangerously?  outspoken?  free-spirited?  for several years, before i was basically forced into some sort of therapy.  No, i initially did not go willingly.  *sigh  And, it didn’t help matters any, that my (ex) spouse and his parents were extremely controlling and domineering, especially after the birth of my daughter.  The very first therapist i saw told me, point blank, that all my problems in my marriage were my fault.  The only positive thing:  i didn’t have to see him but one or two more times, before i could see someone else–which probably saved me, at the time.  After seeing the second therapist for more than a year, my son was born, and the accident happened, a month afterwards.  So, i was in a different “world,” for a bit–trying to find myself and come back to reality, i guess.  i’d found a voice, kinda, and wasn’t shutting up about injustices–at least past injustices, anyway.  It still took me some time to find the strength to leave–although it wasn’t strength, but desperation and fear–almost thirteen years later.  And, due to some of the problems within that marriage/relationship, i wasn’t open to any swinging or …..etc.  Once i left him, i was actually ‘allowed’–in the relationship i moved into, once i left–to experiment and find myself…..  Initially, i found it a bit…odd?  disturbing?  just different, i guess, that instead of judging me and fighting whatever i wanted to try, my partner was open to whatever i suggested, for the most part.  But, instead of doing what he’d promised, especially once we were married, he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain….so, i left–mainly out of fear, the first time; and this final time, because i was/am done with dealing with the games and drama.  (i refuse to be treated like i’ve done something wrong, when i was going on what information he and his family were giving me, so i was actually “held” at the border, the second time i’d tried to enter Canada–due to the fact that i’d stayed too long. i was treated like a prisoner, for almost twelve hours:  searched, cuffed, put in a building that held quite a few individuals from all over the world, and, even had to talk to a doctor before leaving to go back to the airport.   So, yeah, fear drove me to make departure plans, even right after we were married.)  Nine months before i left Canada, the last time, my daughter died of an overdose, so that was actually one of the final straws.  It’s been more than a year, since i’ve spoken to my 2nd (ex), since he threatened me, so until i can afford the annulment or divorce, silence is what i need from him.  i’ve continued with my therapy and appointments, since moving last year, within the state.  According to my therapist, i am making progress, though sometimes, we wind up going backwards–which i guess could be par for the course.  Since i’ve been with Marty, i’ve gained a lot of insight for what my daughter may’ve been thinking, dealing with, doing, etc.  And, i feel like attending support group meetings have helped me, too.  Sometimes, i desire sex….the intimacy and overall action of bonding.  But, i have to admit, sex has not been a huge part of our relationship.  i feel like it’s all a bit one-sided, 90% of the time.  *sigh  Very tiring and frustrating.  i just want to feel like a whole person:  physically, emotionally, mentally.   Is that too much to ask?  Maybe for now it is.  But, i am not getting any younger, and even though a lot of older people can/do enjoy intimacy, etc, i don’t want to wait longer….years down the road, even, before i can feel ‘whole.’

OK..enough rambling for now.  i hope i haven’t bored you nor stepped on any toes.  Please, take care’a yourselves!!!!  ***Hugs***  You are ALL important!!!!





  1. sullengirl76 4 years ago

    Hi delane. I made it through this entry and was not bored. Don’t doubt your writing. I think you are right in that the rambling thoughts may be an indication that you need to write about what you can’t stop thinking about. (I know that’s usually the case for me, at least.)

    I have to say one thing about the first counselor you saw (who played the blame game on you): SHAME ON HIM!! A counselor’s job is not to assign blame, but to help the patient identify triggers for the thought processes and behaviors that have led him/her to their current situation. When I started my most recent round of therapy, my counselor told me that no single person is responsible for breaking a marriage (or repairing it). Everyone makes mistakes and it is up to the involved parties to learn how to communicate their feelings about those mistakes with each other. Sometimes a third party is needed to help identify problem areas and to help develop solutions, but it is ultimately up to BOTH parties to do their respective “homework” and work on strengthening the relationship. Sometimes it works and couples bounce back, stronger than ever. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s external causes (location, money, cheating) and sometimes people just grow in different directions. And as far as the other aspects of life, a counselor is supposed to practice active listening – meaning no judgment. Assigning blame defeats the purpose of attending therapy, not to mention breaks a bunch of ethical rules about not inflicting harm on the patient in your care. UGH… what a quack! I’m glad you didn’t have to see that schmuck for long.

    I can also relate on the sex issues. I have a checkered past with my sexuality as well (childhood abuse), which was not helped in the least by the nuns at my Catholic school verbally pounding into every little girl’s head how filthy the act itself is when done outside of babymaking, and how wasteful it is to entertain lustful thoughts (at any age) because of how many problems there are in the world and how much help God needs to solve them. Ugh. I could go on for pages about how harmful Catholic dogma is for kids… Anyway, in addressing some of my own issues, I have been assured by my therapist that intimacy is built by more than just sex. I’m really glad that you’ve seemed to have found a healthier relationship with Marty. I hope things continue to improve on that front.

    Thanks for letting us take a peek into your thoughts. You should definitely keep writing down those thoughts, whether you do it here or in a private journal.

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  2. Author
    delane1 4 years ago

    Thank you, SullenGirl76, for your input. i appreciate it. ***hugs***

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  3. piscesbs 4 years ago

    Look. I’m 18, honey, and just recently lost my virginity. For a guy with a high sex drive and a high rate of anthropophobia (fear of people), it was difficult for me, waking up in the middle of the night just to get disappointed once again, by my returning feelings of “oh god, if I could have my boyfriend with me now!” I let it consume me so bad, I made a suicide attempt (‘course, we’re separated now, but that’s besides the point). I STILL struggle with my sexuality. I’m a confusing individual. I have held back a lot of my feelings for years because of trauma and how many times I have been put down in the past. Just recently figured out about being genderfluid and still doing what I can to come to terms with that, on top of the fact I crave to have multiple sexual partners at once. First off, no. That doesn’t make you a “ho” or “slut” or whatever (if that’s what you’re thinking). Those are just…words, in my opinion. And fuck your therapist! He sounds like a dick! I was commonly seen as the “weird” one in high school, ’cause so many men would think I’m attractive but, to be completely honest with you, I don’t find a lot of them appeasing. I’m not sure where you are along the lines of friends with benefits or multiple partners, but try to be open to the guy. If he can’t accept how you’re feeling then, well…I don’t know, man. Take it one day at a time. May not necessarily be you, ya know? Could be him.

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