I generally don't like doubling up on blogs, but the last one was giving me grief. Apparently you can't actually have different colour and sizes when doing a blog. I didn't like the small writing. Maybe I need new glasses again.. i sure hope not coz i just got some new ones. Too much money.
I get the results for my lump tomorrow. I had the ultrasound, the found out it was a solid lump, and neededa core needle biopsy. I had that done. It didn't hurt. I think the fear of it actually effected me more than the actual test. The idea of having a needle through the boob certianly didn't appeal. I have a bad feeling about it. I'm fairly sure that its going to be something bad. It's about 3cm. So its not completly small. The radiographer also mentioned that due to having large breasts, and my family history, i should have regular mammograms. At 25. Oh joy. Also wanted me to have some dicussions with a doctor about the posibility of having having some genetic testing. I don't know if i want to do that though. If i'm going to get cancer, i'm going to get it. No genetic testing is going to change that. I would be interested however, if by some chance someone reading this HAS had some genetic testing (for anything) i'd be really interested to hear from you. I doubt i would be that lucky though.
I feel very stressed out. I'm doing ok at my new job, they have asked me to do some more training, in a different area.. the Cash office. I'm looking forward to getting training in a new area, but not really looking forward to having the stress of dealing with large amounts of money. I'm meant to be going in there tomorrow at 5am, but I really don't feel that well, and i think i might have to call in sick. Doesn't look good this early in my employment, but i can't control some things. My manager and I get along really well, and infact, most the people that are there, are really nice people.
I haven't heard if i got into the dipoloma class for next year yet. I really hope i hear from them soon. they said it would be before christmas, well christmas is approaching awfully fast. Even if i don't get into diploma, i should get into the Cert III. Fingers crossed, Knowing my luck however, i'll probably not get into anything.
I'm starting to doubt everything again. Can I do this? can i work and study at the same time? i don't know. I guess i wont know the answer until i've tried it. Then again if i've got cancer then the whole thing could be redundant. Could be Chemo lined up for next year. sigh…
I managed to break up with John. I had to. He was a diagnosed sociopath, and a very dangerous man. There was no chemistry there anyway. I was really just with him for the sake of having someone there to love and hold me. Make me feel good. Someone to kiss. I tried to give him the message without actually saying anything.. being distant, cold.. things like that, but he really didn't get the message, so i finally sent him a message on facebook and told him that i don't want to see him anymore. He actually responded nicely, and agreed that it wasn't working. I'm glad that ended well. Though it does make me a little sad that i am all alone again.
I really feel very alone. No one near me, around me that i can talk to. very very alone.