so much on my mind…… ocd related or not…. i dont have a journal or anything so tahts why i’m using this as. well i guess evertyhing in life can be kinda ocd related cause itll obsess over it one way or the other lol.. but yea.. this friend of mine that ive owed a date/hangout for soooo long. I cant stop thinking about how much i have disapointed her….and how much she put into getting to try to know me and all i did was bullshit… i always find excuses.. when i diss people… dont have enough money…. not in a good mood etc….. usually its true but im not telling the full story….. i try to but its hard to explain… its like my actions or inactions…are the exact opposite of what i WANT to do. Ridiculous phobias and anxietys that ive had ever since i could remember as a kid…. they still plauge me..even though im at my strongest then ive ever been in certain areas…… like i went to a friends house yesterday whos a master kung fu teacher… had a awesome time but i told him i cant join the class yet until i deal with some mental issues..which is pretty much…… i’ve never been able to do sports…………………many activities ….. i mean ive attempted them but always felt ridicuously stupid because my mind constantly trys to keep me defeated. every little thing i try to do my mind starts telling me i cant i dont know how im going to mess it up look stupid etc….. so i feel kind of at a disadvantage cause some people can do certain things to take thier mind off of the crazyness but i cant cause 5 minutes into them i lose focus start thinking negative shit get depressed and just get sucked back in to the cycle. I can be a fun person..and have a good time….good convos all that..but it depends on the mood and if i feel comfortable. ONe of the most severe ocd issues with me deals with APPEARANCE. i mean…. i know everyone looks in mirrors and cares about how they look..but for me its way more than that. I can truly just wanna give up on life and stop everytyhing productive….. by just one look at the mirror in the morning… for years i couldnt even wash my face in the mirror so i would just do it in the shower… because i could be having an alright day but just once glance….. can cause me to relapse and go smoke a large amount of weed. cause it triggers my mind to start f’ng with me telling me how im just getting uglier by the day and im crazy and no chick will ever wanna be with a dude like that….. its a frigging war zone. I dont know the exact term for it although it does have one…. but like ive said before everything ive discovered has been on my own so im a stranger to actual diagnoses etc… ( not to mention too damn broke ) to be going to fancy docs etc..anyway im just rambling now… soo lemme shut up thx for reading.
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