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I need a friend. One or two or more.

Loneliness is killing me. slowly.

Heartbreak –

Every day separated creates more resentment

Every passing day builds a fear of life long loneliness

Love? No longer unconditional, no longer effortless, no longer alive

Friendship? Faded

No more happiness. No more happy thoughts. No more dreams. No future.

Further away from the only 3 things I want in life:To be in love, to be a wife & to start a family

I want what is there, now – nothing else seems to interest me. Anything else will steer me further away from my goals. Holding on to the hope that my goals are within reach is better than nothing at all…

Every day just seems like a waste. Like I'm holding on to a dream that may never exist… And if it fails – I will spirale downward; horribly. If it survives – hopefully it won't be too late…

Am I blind to what is reality and in love with someone/something that no longer exists?

On the verge of tears, panic attacks, increased anxiety & more depression.

Love is not about sacrifice – it's about compromise? But compromising my mental health is not love. Compromising my loneliness is not love. Compromising my fear of you hurting me again is not love. Compromising having to be apart due to your selfish decisions is not love at all.

I don't know how to survive being alone; nor do I want to be alone.

You talk as if things will change – I have yet to see any change….

I will make you feel guilty for a very long time for doing this to me.

You took away my happiness; my smile; my lifelong dreams…

Yet I selfishly cannot resist you anymore. You make me weak.

I hate the person I've become because of how you made me feel.

I need a friend. Someone who understands my heartache. Someone who makes me feel like my existence matters. Someone who isn't you. Someone who appreciates me and doesn't take advantage of my kindness or my love.

3 Comments
  1. Silent_Tears68 9 years ago

     O Sweetie I've been here several times. and from your picture you are beautiful don't ever sell yourself short. We all have issues feeling loved. Let me tell you being a wife and a mom doesnt always make that alone feeling go away. Sounds cliche but loving yourself is the first thing to do in fighting that alone feeling. I went down that road many times. I'm married now and have kids but at first that wasnt enough for me. I wanted to feel desired like I was something more. I hit my lowest low before I realized I needed help. I finally am learning to love myself. Dont get me wrong I still have those days where I look in the mirror and think gaaahhhhh how can people love this. But now its not so bad, i'm looking at things a new way. You can do this too. and if you need a friend I will gladly listen and be there for you

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  2. fallen_paradise 9 years ago

    Thank you so much for your comments and kind words – they mean so much to me. I don't think my loneliness comes from a lack of loving myself, but more from the fact that I live on my own, have zero friends and generalized anxiety. The whole marriage and kids package i've always wanted. The fact that there are so many people I know who are engaged, married, have kids or are pregnant makes me more depressed – a sense of jealousy, yes, only because some of those people take those blessings in life for granted. The fact that my parents are still together and I come from a big family has a lot to do with my strong sense of family values. The feeling of desirability is certainly an issue in my current 'relationship status' but that's a story for another day. I really enjoyed reading some of your blogs. Your friendship I could definitely use 🙂

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  3. fallen_paradise 9 years ago

    Thank you so much for your comments and kind words – they mean so much to me. I don't think my loneliness comes from a lack of loving myself, but more from the fact that I live on my own, have zero friends and generalized anxiety. The whole marriage and kids package i've always wanted. The fact that there are so many people I know who are engaged, married, have kids or are pregnant makes me more depressed – a sense of jealousy, yes, only because some of those people take those blessings in life for granted. The fact that my parents are still together and I come from a big family has a lot to do with my strong sense of family values. The feeling of desirability is certainly an issue in my current 'relationship status' but that's a story for another day. I really enjoyed reading some of your blogs. Your friendship I could definitely use 🙂

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