Can’t sleep tonight.  Too alone.  I was connected once to a person who is my best friend now, but we have so little time and we are far more distant.  I am a strange person and don’t connect as easily as most I think. I have never ever really felt connected except with her. My kids love me and my relationship with them is great.  My family loves me and my relationship with them is great, but I do not deeply connect with them.  Their company can distract me, but it does not make me feel connected to them in any deep way…this is not true and yet it is.  I love them, that is a connection, but it is not enough.
I know what it means to find your other half and oddly I didn’t before I did find her. Am I fixated on here?  I think I am fixated on what we had.  It has been almost a decade.  I have found semblances of this connection, but none ever materialized fully.  It was not that I tried to re-create what we had just make a connection and they all fell apart and for years now I have not managed to find anything.
I am terrified of never connecting again.  Always feeling numb and purposeless.  No one to share my passions with, because no one cares about them.  They care about me, but that is not enough it seems.  I have worked on these feeling for almost a decade and can’t find a way to cope or find another to share with.  I can’t even find an addiction to truly lose myself in.  That sounds worse than it is.  I am not looking for a drug or anything bad, just something to lose myself in.  Losing myself in the moment is great, but there is not always a moment to lose yourself in.


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