I really consider myself really weird cuz sometimes i literally feel like an alien, i look in the mirror and i just kinda find myself thinking what the hell? who the hell is that is that really me cuz if it is i really dnt like her. Or i just feel out of and i ask myself where the fuck am i? it's kinda scary cuz before i used to suffer from psychosis and depersonalization like a lot and i was on a few anti-psychotics, but i was never diagnosed with anything really bad. When i did go to the hospital in the beginning i was diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia which i guess is when theyre not sure if its actually is or not i just had some symptoms. Then after that it was more of a mild form of psychotic depression which was very distressing but over time i got over the psychotic part and now i just have severe depression, all of these diagnosis in only 2 yrs really pissed me off cuz it didnt seem like any of the doctors gave a shit about me feeling better. Anyway sometimes I do think that i would be better if i did have schizophrenia or something cuz i realize that people with that dnt even realize whats going on they dnt realize whats going on it's like crazy people dnt know they're crazy anything they say or do seems normal to them at least. as opposed to like depression where you;re aware of you're thoughts and emotions and if you have psychosis ur aware of it also which is obviously scary cuz u know it's only psychosis but u know that it's happening and its scary any thoughts or feelings or whatever u experience when u have depression or psychosis or whatever just make things worse, cuz like now i dnt have a lot of psychotic symptoms as much but i am extremely pessimistic and i have some sort of like thought disorder kinda like OCD but with my thoughts i obsess over the scariest craziest things as well as small things and it makes me more scared and miserable. Another reason why Im worried is because I really really hate myself like every single thing about me I hate my looks i hate my body my voice evrything, my face anything about me i loathe it. and it's scary how much i hate myself thats probably one of the main reason's i have tried to kill myself so many times cuz i see myself as another person that i really hate and i would like to kill so badly kinda like murder, i mean i would never murder anyone but i guess thats just a description of how much i hate myself. i guess i just cant come to terms with the fact that i am me cuz i have never ever loved myself not one bit, i mean it makes me wonder is it possible for someone to hate themselves this much? I honestly dnt see myself as me anymore, i dnt take care of myself and i could really care less what happens to me i just see myself as like a thing just floating around not a human or animal but like a thing like a trash bag or wind or some emotioless puppet or something just laying there everyday as time passes like as if im stuck in a closet or like a trash bag on the street blowing in the wind.

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 14 years ago

    I know its hard. But try and be kind to yourself. I know I know, sounds silly "how do you be kind to yourself?" the first thing is, when you look in a miror, try and think of that MIRROR self as your friend, think of that mirror person and what would YOU say to them if they asked about their eyes? Don't think of it as answering yourself, but take an HONEST and deep look at that aspect and see if you'd tell your best friend ever, that their eyes sucked (or hips, or face, or whatever..)

     

    Try and be that friend to yourself.

     

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