So last nightmy son was brushing his teeth before bed , and he came skipping out and announced , " Look Mommy! I lost another tooth! " . He held open his outstreched palm to show us his prized possession . I cannot believe it ~ 3 teeth have come out in the past 5 weeks now . I'm not ready for this ; I want him to stay my baby boy forever . 🙁 But I know that's not really an option ; he's not Peter Pan ( although I wonder about my husband from time to time… ) and children aren't meant to stay children forever . As my recent birthday reminded me bittersweetly , I'm not going to stay in my 30's forever either.

Today I don't feel as young as I am ; I feel brittle , ancient in some ways , like onion paper that tears and flies away in shreds in the slightest wind . I know part of it hasto do with Bryan's passing , but that's only a part of it . The rest is apparently howmuchugliness , pain , heart-ache , and the effects of my illness bearing down on mesince I was achild. I don't reallyfeel pity for myself ~ just a deep unexplainable sorrow , a hollowness that resonates in response to the drums of life's circle going round and round endlessly .

Inmy sheer exhaustion last night I made the big mistake of forgetting to take my medications . I'm usually very good about it ~ butlast night I was so tired that I felt like I was wandering in a fog , walking throughcobwebs so thick that the sticky strands were accumulating around my arms , my legs , my face . I actually put Zach to bed at 8 p.m. and then went to lie down right afterwards in my own bed. But I couldn't reach sleep . . . every slight movement in the room , from thekitties eating and padding softly across thelinoleum flooring to the movements ofthe candle flame when thefan blew air across it ; all of it woke me from whatever depthof sleep I had achieved .

When my husbandgot up to go to work I was relieved because I thought I'd sleep better without him moving around in the bed . I drifted fitfully , nightmares of being lost again , nightmares surrounding me in fear and anxiety . At 1 a.m. Ifinally sat up in the middle of a full-blown panic attack . I couldn't breathe , heart beating so fast that it felt like it might explode , shaking so badlythat I couldhardly stand up . At firstI was completely freaked out ~ I hadn't had a real panic attack like this one since shortly after Zach was born almost 7 years ago. Every sense my body possessed was taut like wire about to snap . Noises were amplified , I felt like there was something bad orevil in the room with me trying to touch me~ so every little breeze from the fan made me jump out of my skin . I was terrified , and I was alone .

Then I remembered that I couldn't be sure that I had taken my Klonopin( anti-anxiety med ) or my other pills earlier in the evening ,so I quickly gulped down my dosagesand then called my husband at work . Luckily he picked up thephone and kept me from freaking out any further until the medicine started to kick in. He soothed me , reminded me what I needed to do to help me calm down , told mehe loved me and suggested I try to go back to sleep by listening to calmingmusic on low and leaving on dim lights in the bedroom . I got off the phone and did as he suggested , but still couldn't calmmy nerves enough to sleep.

But then something beautiful happened . My kitty Hogan , my " trash dumpster cat " asI affectionately call him because that's where he was foundas a little kitten , climbed on top of my chest with his warm comforting weight and purreduntil my whole body relaxed . I petted himuntil I finally fell deeplyasleep . He had known that Mommy wasn't doing well , and came to comfort me . Ilove my animals somuch.

Gotta go now~ places I have to be.


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